I'M ON YOUR COMPUTER

I'M EVEN SCHOOLING SENIORS

2007-12-17T15:03:00.001-08:00

For all his faults, Stephen Chumby sure doesn't dick about when it comes to turn-around time. Check this.

-------------------

Dear IOYC

RE: FW:

Thanks for your letter of even date. I have processed all the information therein.

Unfortunately I cannot grant you an Employment; no fucking way bro. Remember what happened last time I was your Line Manager - it almost cost me my career.

In brief:

1. You and Derek Fan sent out a package of documents to our biggest client and marked the envelope 'Dear Cock Blankets'. Upon opening said envelope our biggest client found only 300 copies of a single photocopied sheet reading 'I <3 YOU'. I don't think Fan was behind this - he's a good guy just a little lost in the world. I think you were behind it. I REALLY THINK THAT.

2. A pretty huge deal was going down and I gave you full responsibility for compiling the final piece (of the deal). Upon entering your Office at 11:59 pm with Closure due on the stroke of Midnight I discover you playing Tetris to a very advanced stage. Fair enough I was fucking mesmerised by the sheer speed with which the Tetris shapes descended that screen. They were a blur. It was actually beautiful.

2a. The point is I gave you that responsibility.

2b. You shirked it.

In summary please don't ever try to contact me again however McLimits sends his regards, specifically he wanted me to tell you 'Hey what the fuck's up IOYC!! Shit yeah cuz! Been a while has it fuck!!'.

With Warm Regards,

Stephen R. Chumby
Line Manager

-------------------

'Plenty to think about'

NO INTRODUCTION NEEDED

2007-12-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Stephen Chumby,

RE: A LETTER

This correspondence finds me in a pensive mood, just chilling out looking through a Window with a faraway gaze at what is going on outside. Coincidentally my window looks onto 400 Televisions.

What has been happening lately well I enrolled in a powerful course of empowerment, boosting the fuck out of my shit. My resume actually looks like a framed version of the Nobel Prize. The trouble is that now my skill set is simply too great. I'll be given a problem, and solve it practically within milliseconds, pissing off my co-workers who are just trying to go about their day putting food on the table. Even old Alan O'Mallon, who used to be my staunchest ally, is giving me shit looks out the corner of his eye.

I suppose I will have to find new Employment, Chumby, and that is why I write to you now. Also just to see how it is going, did anything ever eventuate with that Periscope you were building in your house; as I recall there were some design difficulties, you designed it upside down, I tried to tell you using the gentlest possible terms and you advised and I quote "hey buddy, hey look, if you only want to fuck up my Periscope you can get out of my Home right now the door is just past my Crying Wife saying 'you've ruined everything' and then the next left".

So anyway about that Employment also pls say hello to McLimits and Derek Fan (do you still see those guys).

Yours sincerely,

DEREK TWIGG MP

2007-12-06T18:37:00.001-08:00

HARD TO GRASP LIKE SCIENCE AND MATH IS

2007-10-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

INT. COURT OF KING LOUIS XXXIVLMC

A Kingly Court full of so much Intrigue, to-ing, fro-ing / sycophancy, witticisms and so forth.

Lord Pompidour arrives on an amazing resplendent pony. It's almost laughable how fucking resplendent this dude is. He means business. Tossing off a curl over his shoulder he spies none other than arch-nemesis THE SINISTER BARON DU CRESPINY. That Baron of dark renown is talking to His Royal Highness, the Dauphin.

Lord Pompidour: (to hisself) Oh, there's that Du Crespiny - I'll give him a spray.

(brightly) Hullo my dear Dauphin! I bring news regarding His Highness the Duke of Bangleberry.

The Dauphin turns super slowly, really rubbing it in.

The Dauphin: O RLY?

Baron Du Crespiny: That is like so last year.

Assembled courtiers titter and wave fans politely and shit.

The Dauphin: (brightly) Ho hoho.

Lord Pompidour: I see my Lord. PERHAPS THE BARON DU CRESPINY WOULD LIKE TO GO OUTSIDE FOR A REALLY FUCKING BIG DUEL RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

The room falls silent. You could hear a bear shit in the nearby woods.

Baron Du Crespiny: Did you just step to me bro?

Assembled courtiers do whispering behind fans.

Lord Pompidour: I will devastate you ~~lyrically~~.

HANGING FOR THE CLIFFSIDE DRIP-DRY

2007-09-30T16:44:00.000-07:00

ATTN: Readers of Poems

I made three Poems.

----------

Hologram Dave

In a Cave lived Hologram Dave
Pretty pixelated dude,
'Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi'
Everyone said it to him all the time
Plus like throwing shit through him or turning off his Hologram Machine
Hence his recourse to a reclusive lifestyle
What a Knob

Sneaky Steve

Sneaky Steve had two left sleeves
On his favourite knitted top
When asked why
He'd simply sigh
And say 'My Granny is fucked in the head and it's affected our whole family'

Fancy Carol

Fancy Carol and her husband Darryl were very delightful folk
Oft be found lounging around sharing a witty joke
A really Great Lady

----------

I'll probably drop this shit at a Recital sooner rather than later.

SEPTEMBER: THE NEW CRUELEST MONTH?

2007-09-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

So I just upgraded the Security levels at my Dwelling. It was on advice from some really sweet Policy Mandarins I employed in the last six months. This shit sounds great, no more worries about enroachments in this volatile region, just leave cash and gems scattered around everywhere, do whatever the hell I feel like basically.

WRONG!

Things have gone too far, it is not feasible for me to enter my own house. Why the fuck did I choose an 85 digit alarm combination? Rain Man would fuck up on that shit. Plus all these massive Boobie-Traps, Laserbeams &c.

So now this is summarising my situation:

1. Stuck outside Dwelling
2. Laundry becoming a problem ('Hey dry cleaner, do you have a nude facility so I can wash MY CURRENT OUTFIT')
3. Minimal access to cash and gems, food
4. Can't say daily phrases like 'Just Going Downtown' or 'Let's Go Inside'

The worst part is the dude that installed the Security is on hols, 'Gone Fishin' or whatever taking a much needed break. Understandable I suppose he does work super hard and has a young family. But still, fuck his unprofessional approach!

If I had access to cash and gems I would pay to 'send him a little message' (eg: Postcard).

'This is why I'm hot'

20 TOP FILMS YOU MUST READ BEFORE YOU DIE

2007-09-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

These are pretty much in order so don't bother entering into a debate, it's just my opinion (which is correct).

1. Angleman
2. Dangerous Nanny
3. Amazonians II: Eruption
4. Mister Cop
5. That Ole Razzle Dazzle
6. That Ole Razzle Dazzle II: Eruption
7. The Assembly
8. Captain Gingerbread Biscuit
9. Terrifying Knife
10. Little Davy and the Magical Chest
11. Avec Rabbits
12. Gary: Anatomy of a Crime Scene
13. Con Ligante Pour Seneca ('A Fight Before Bedtime')
14. The Corruption of Alan Pencil
15. Secret Window
16. Love Trucks
17. Al'Harai Lumai'i ('Don't Forget to Leave')
18. Secret Window II: Magical Fantasy
19. It's A Digital Christmas
20. Cheer Up, Fat!

FINDYOURWHY.COM feat J. DI LEMME

2007-08-26T05:20:00.000-07:00

Name:_____________________

Email:_____________________

A SHORT HISTORY OF REALNESS

2007-08-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

CHECKING IN WITH GARY NEIWAND

2007-08-11T23:34:00.001-07:00

You may remember this dude if you are into riding a bicycle.

IOYC: So, Neiwand, what's been happening champ.
Neiwand: Well I have been riding my bike fucking heaps.
IOYC: Yeah figures. What sort of music do you like?
Neiwand: Smashing Pumpkins, Everclear, that kind of ill shit right there.
IOYC: [Nods sagely]
Neiwand: To be honest though most of my time is spent trying to forget the terrible incidents of yesteryear, which scarred my life forever.
IOYC: [Nods sagely] Tell me more about this.
Neiwand: I thought I made it clear that I was trying to forget that shit.
IOYC: You brought it up buddy. Outline the events of which you spake.
Neiwand: I will do no such thing.
IOYC: Outline them, or else.
Neiwand: Or else what.

IOYC actually raises an eyebrow in the direction of like 450 Weapons and fighting equipment scattered nonchalantly around the office or whatever.

Neiwand: Let's do this thing.

Neiwand assumes a fighting stance. IOYC eyes him warily - has riding a bike increased his ability to fuck up? Is he viewing this whole contest from the perspective of a velodrome?? WHAT IS GOING THROUGH THE MIND OF NEIWAND.

Neiwand ~~puts on his robe and wizard hat~~ comes in for some kind of kick, which IOYC uses to snap his leg right the fuck off and into bits.

IOYC: Sorry bro this how I roll.
Neiwand: THIS REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF THAT FUCKED UP SHIT FROM MY PAST.
IOYC: [Nods sagely]

Anyone experiencing problems of Cycling - you are not alone. Please call Neiwand on 1-800-NEIWAND for confidential advice and assistance.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

2007-07-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

"THIS IS PROBABLY THE WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE"

Buck up, champ.

PAINTING, YES?

2007-07-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

ANNUAL REPORT FINANCIAL YEAR 06/07

2007-07-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

We are fucking stoked to announce what can only be described as the most engrossing year in all of our Company's history. Our Balance Sheet has been the talk of the market, with much whispering behind closed doors and passing of notes in the Tea House ie speculation. Full credit to CFO Andrew Harbours, he smashed it up big time. Love you bro.

IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY AND RELEVANT PROVISIONS OF THE CORPORATIONS ACT HANDED DOWN BY HIS MAJESTY THE KING I PRESENT TO YOU HEREUNDER THE RESULTS OF OUR EPIC STRUGGLE TO UPHOLD THE HIGHEST FIDUCIARY STANDARD

-----------------

Poultry:

Cock Soup is up by 47% on last year. Projected margins on Cock Soup indicate that it will be even better in the future, due to unbearable demand. Proposed rights issue will finance more Cock products to launch in the next quarter.

Hand Lotions:

As a result of cutbacks in the Finger sector, we have turned profits up to a magnificent 8.5%. We are now so in the black it is actually racist to think about it. Everyone in the whole Lotions division got these really huge bonuses. Damn.

Pork Belly:

Ain't nobody buying this shit.

Graphs:

Our Graphing team delivered some red hot results this season. As at June the number of graphs produced is as follows:

UNLEASH THE WOLVES

2007-07-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

So I just finished eating the hell out of this Madeleine biscuit my Mother prepared earlier and kindly delivered to my room on a tea-tray ~~what the fuck was she doing in my house~~.

Most people will do this every single day of their lives but there was something special about this confection, something 'bloody magical'.. No bullshit there was almost music coming out of it - like a radio.

The scent of it provoked all these emotions I didn't even know I had, eg:

- Fear of Contracts
- Nonchalance
- Urge for more biscuits (Borderline Uncontrollable)

and finally,

- Whimsical Reverie

Check it:

INCIDENT FROM EARLY CHILDHOOD

LORD VOLDEMORT stands poised above a little crib, twirling his wand all over the place and incanting. He grows frustrated as spells rebound into walls & ors.

LORD VOLDEMORT: He bears that fucking mark, it's why I cannot kill him!!
HARRY POTTER: Gurgle or whatever (baby talk).
SOME MUGGLE: (Bursting in) Hey what the fuck is going on in here you pasty lizard.

LORD VOLDEMORT: (incanting) CONFABULOL kekeke >_<

The muggle fucks up pretty badly.

Lord Voldemort turns back to finish his awful task.

but,
POTTER IS GONE

LORD VOLDEMORT: (incanting) OH THIS IS SOME STRAIGHT UP BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE.

-----

Your childhood probably looks like a boring piece of shit compared to this.

CLENCHING THE FISTS OF DISSENT

2007-06-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

To the tune of 'Working 9-5', by D. Partons

Verse 1:
Oh, that prig Lance in B2B Sales
All he will do is beat his targets into the ground
Whereas I must complete this fucking memo
before I can go home and get shitfaced

AND YET I LOVE HIM

Chorus:
Working 9-5, or other similar hours
it is better that you should leave your work;
and sit at the gate of the temple;
and take alms of those who work with joy
What a fucking gyp

Verse 2:
Hullo, I am the boss
Please put down your allocated tasks; and then let's have lunch
How about it; lunch

WITH A VALUED CLIENT

You can complete your allocated tasks at the weekend

Chorus

Verse 3:
Oh yeah it's Friday, the eponymous day of TGIF
OMG get a load of ~~her~~ ~~him~~ herm,
Wanders over and like, Sure Call me

ON THIS INCORRECT NUMBER

Chorus

---

To be honest I'm really unsure as to where this is going.

'Do, de do de do de do'

La lalala.

GIG REVIEW: HIGHTOWER BREAKBEAT EXPLOSION

2007-05-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

So I went along to this last night with my old House Captain.

"I THINK I SAW YOU THERE"

Great, thanks for not saying hi.

I have been a massive fan of HBE ever since their first album, in fact before that when they were just thinking of forming a band in the future. From the opening number the whole band was fucking arresting, lead singer Garry Jackets working the stage from all angles, prancing up and down like a prancing pony. The rest of the band looked like a finger puppet in comparison.

Midway through, things turned up a notch when drummer Chico Chickles launched into a vicious unprompted solo. It didn't stop, it didn't even let up, even though people were screaming at the top of their lungs. I think something lit on fire, I don't know, I was actually hypnotised. Fuck, that Chickles sure can play the drums, which is suitable as this is his chosen profession.

A regular feature of HBE shows is the medal ceremony where the members hand out awards to the crowd for attending. This took fucking ages, but it really made everyone feel like they were part of something. I myself received a medallion for 'Total Excellence'. Unfortunately some dick monster mugged me of it on the way home - Note to venue organisers.

I managed to steal a setlist, check it out:

1. GO FOR THE VICTORY
2. KEEP GOING FOR THE VICTORY
3. VICTORY IS OURS

'By the Power of Grayskull, I resemble He-Man'

STREET JUSTICE: THE MUSICAL

2007-05-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

Opening Song and Dance.

Corey Twenty-Fingers:
(mezzo forte)
What will become of our little ole gang?
When are we going to fight those evil Jets (or whatever)
I've got a big wood with a nail in it,
Those dudes are completely fucked - I will stick it into one of their heads!

CHORUS

STREET JUSTICE!
Oh yeah it's - STREET JUSTICE
Holy Fuck it's - STREET JUSTICE
An honour based system of retaliatory violence

Colin, A member of the infamous Jets, comes around the corner.

Colin:
(A rich Baritone)
Hey Corey Twenty-Fingers, guess what?
Last night I fucked your mother and your sister - and your dad.

HE IS PREGNANT,

CHORUS

STREET JUSTICE!
Oh yeah it's - STREET JUSTICE
Time for some good ole fashioned STREET JUSTICE
This will probably end up with both parties hospitalised, wounded.

I'm still working on this shit. It's probably at what I'd call 'final draft stage'.

FIRE IN A HOLE, HIKING IN THE SNOW

2007-04-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

Check this diary of known Antarctic Explorer, Shackleton.

Day IVXLLMC

My childhood companion, Billy Stickers, has become seriously wounded in a fistfight we had in our tent. I didn't want to hurt him but he has been dropping so many L-Bombs on me, like a gooey-eyed "hey when are we going to marry, Shackleton", it's just not the place for it. I'll admit the atmosphere in these cramped surroundings has been pretty fucking romantic. Even I, Shackleton, have felt crazy aroused at certain points. But if Billy Stickers continues with this shit I might possibly give up on my mission to find the Magnet of the South.

I am starting to wish I had just gone to Torremolinos.

Day VLLMCXI

I, Shackleton, and Billy Stickers have been discussing names for our new babies. Here is our list:

BOY NAMES

Ice Cold Derek
Frombert
Terry Latino, PhD

GIRL NAMES

I Wish You Were A Boy
Alan
Terry Latino, PhD

Day KLXXMIC

I straight up ate B. Stickers because we ran out of food. I sure hope nobody finds this signed confession.

Signed,
Shackleton.

-------

"One summer, I watched a group of caterpillar eating a birch tree right outside my door. I thought a pair of them would make a perfect mustache. It was a difficult photo shoot, since they kept trying to crawl up my nose and also had trouble sticking to my face. Applying honey to my upper lip (my mother's suggestion) helped a great deal. Crossdressing, as an act that is generally thought of as highly unnatural act, transpires here using entirely natural materials."

Self-Portrait as Sir Ernest Shackleton
C-print, 6 x 8 inches, 2002

I JACKED ALL TRADES AND MASTERED ONE OF FOUR ELEMENTS

2007-04-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

So, I had almost an unlimited level of success with my previous work for Childs and thought to do another one right now. Who are you to stop me, with your statute book.

THE STORY OF ADVENTUROUS WALRUS
or, "All's Well That Ends Well"

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Once upon a time there lived a leathery Walrus, his name was probably Jor-El or something. Unlike the other timid as shit Walruses, Jor-El had a longing for adventure. Watching all his friends sit around eating hoary old chestnuts, AGAIN, Jor-El formed an idea in the back of his mind: let's swim to Fiji.

Background: Fiji is usually off-limits for Walrus-kind. It's extremely hot there and Walruses left unattended will fuck up and explode. They just aren't designed for it (the heat). You can imagine what it would look like if heaps of Walruses exploded at once - not good.

Jor-El decided that he would coat himself in a revolutionary 'Cold Solution' that he got off Scientists. He proceeded to swim to Fiji, ignoring his parents and friends who gave him some pretty big stern looks.

Once in Fiji, Jor-El started a reasonably successful newspaper, reporting on issues of the day with insight and aplomb. To this day he pens a society column detailing events and gossip among the elite of Fiji, few of whom are aware of his origins and the fact that there is a big fucking Walrus in their midst.

Jor-El can be contacted for further information on +679 739 0210 or by emailing jor-el@fiji.com.

HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE THE LANDSCAPE CHANGED

2007-03-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

So, this is happening:

"I AM NOT MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY READY FOR STEDMAN IN THIS FORM"

Stedman takes a lot of forms. You better start training.

EVEN THE ARMADILLOS GOT NECK PROTECTION

2007-03-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

So one thing I've been doing lately is playing hella Darts. It's not a game you'd normally associate with, unless you are really into it. I'm at the point now where I can just do like 40 Bullseyes in a row. Most people will struggle to hit the fucking board, let alone post a massive score.

"I CAN'T EVEN HIT A WALL FROM 1 CM AWAY"

I don't know why this is. Perhaps the average co-ordination of the populace has dropped since Neanderthals had to throw Darts at Cows in order to survive. It's a pity as the sport itself is so refreshing, free from the commercialism that has ruined most pastimes. A typical press conference with a Darts practitioner would be like,

SPORT 'JOURNALIST': Who is your new Sponsorship, eh buddy?
NOBLE DARTS PRACTITIONER: If I had to dignify your query with an answer, my Learned Friend, I would suggest you take note of the blank canvas that is my uniform, my baggage located hence containing my Darts, (motions), mine coach who sits yonder - all of them festooned without logos of Sponsor, I Dart for the love of it which runs through the veins of my family.
SPORT 'JOURNALIST': I am retiring from my profession to become a priest.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to practice my technique, pretty disciplined as it is already basically perfect.

'These Darts are all that is left of my Once Proud Empire (and this folder)'

STARVING FOR METAL

2007-03-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

Having a dinner party? Why not turn it into the talk of the town with this fucking degustation right here.

EXPLOSIVE NOODLE STEAK 'DEL JARDIN'
An Moderne Recipe by IOYC, Michelin Chef

INGREDIENTS

250g Potassium Chloride (A Chemical Salt)
15 portions Explosive Noodles
1 Steak
Butter
Ambergis, shitloads of it

UTENSILS

Nous
Good Soundtrack (The Vinders? A bit of Iron Mansion?)
Really great pan

PROCEDURE

Combine the K+Cl and Butter into the pan, and just stir it up for ages until you can't tell what has happened. Let sleep for 45 mins. When it awakes, gently and lovingly fold the Steak and Explosive Noodle into it, browning softly until you are ready start poaching the absolute fuck out of it. Go for it! You won't get another chance. Keep going, don't stop, even if you think you can't take it any more. Trust me - you can. Allow the sountrack to start up, say Track IV at a volume of 9. Work in the rhythm of it, USE YOUR NOUS! At 3:08 the Noodles will begin Exploding - quickly remove from heat. Discard steak into several bowls. Brush what is left of your kitchen with ambergis, spray it everywhere, weeping in a ruinous frenzy.

Serves 40.

THE CAT'S OUT OF THE LOUIS VUITTON

2007-03-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

THE CIRCLE IS NEVER SEEN

2007-02-21T15:39:00.000-08:00

This is going to be another bullshit diary of my Activities, so get ready ie strapped in and so on.

INTRODUCTION

So I went to the Movies the other day, just on a whim, like I had nothing better to do than sit in some A/C while extremities of celluloid blasted into my innocent face. And I was watching, thinking so much like 'Jason Bourne, why don't you come in bro, they want only to talk to you about Operation Treadmill' you know, peeping through my hands and shit - I won't lie, I was frightened out my wits.

"IT'S ONLY A MOVIE YOU FUCKING CRY BABY"

Thanks ~~for the add~~, BTW I shat in your mailbox in case you were wondering why all your mail is brown and smells fucked.

STORY ARC

I walked out of the theatre with a pretty radical new perspective on things, little did I know that it was going to be short-lived. Almost immediately upon entering the Pavement I ran into my old nemesis Robbie the Kid, we call him that cos dude looks fucking mega young, even though he is a fully grown adult male. He hates it but what can you do.

Anyway, Robbie was just reeling off all these Achievements he has done since days of Yore, Management of Company, Home Renovation, Fathered 80 Childs In Wedlock, whatever, like 'can you compete with this bullshit? Journalism? Is it a real Employment?'. It shat me pretty bad but I didn't tell him - just gave him a massive look like 'Fair enough but you still look like a fucking two year old'.

It got me thinking about Adultery, like when do you start looking / acting really responsible and shit. I checked the bible for answers, St Paul letter of epistle to Corinth etc, shit was pretty ahead of its time. So I updated it to be even more ahead of its time. See what you think.

SUMMARY OF PROCESS

CHILDS

1. Spake pretty fucking stupid
2. Don't understand shit
3. Basically like a retard

ADULTERY

1. 'Fuck this Childish shit off', putting it away neatly.
2. See this Glass Darkly, well I have magicked it into a Window.
3. Straight up Universal Love of fellow Man / Chicks.

I'm still unconvinced, but whatever, it's not a competition.

THE CLOAK AND DAGGER MAGNUM PACKER

2007-02-19T15:12:00.001-08:00

Basically all of yesterday I was dreaming about being a fucking good Spy in the manner of ~~Good Will Hunting~~ A Bourne Indignity or whatever. Thing is, I would be perfectly qualified for the ancient arts of Espionage, being:

(a) Calm as fuck in all manner of strife
(b) Pretty good at putting shit together (plots, guns)
(c) Super-Loyal to a Machiavellian sense of destiny over the Right of Individuals
(d) Quite Handsome
(e) I Note that Mother Duck Has Flown Into A Bucket for Christmas; Do you wish for a Complete Service Pedicure? WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS HINT HINT PY-SAY OTHERFUCKERS-MAY.

Is there some joint I can just rock up and try out Spying? To be honest I don't want to go to a Spy Academy where everyone sits around doing wisecracks and shooting at paper tigers, 'Congratulations IOYC you are head of the Class of Decipherment', Obstacle Course, No YOU LISTEN to ME Sergeant, will it ever end. Ideally I can just do it on my own time.

'A timely warning?'

I just remembered how down I am with Morse Code as well (remember that episode?). I wouldn't trust me for shit now, I am probably Spying as of tomorrow.

OR AM I??

IF YOU DON'T HEAR BACK FROM ME

2007-02-13T14:36:00.000-08:00

What the shit is this thing of Labels, 'Congratulations you are now on a better life', Template, new Web Page Designs, Dash-Board, 'Save Changes'. I am worried of dropping this entire Web Page into a neverending maw of electric despair, THIS OPERATION CANNOT BE UNDONE, IT CAN NEVER BE UNDONE IT IS RENT ASUNDER FOR ETERNITY but pretty chilled out.

"A LESSER DUDE WOULD PROBABLY FUCK UP AND FALL OFF A CLIFF"

Word/s.

I'VE GOT LIME DISEASE

2007-02-05T18:13:00.000-08:00

Well this is pretty fucked up, I'm suddenly turning into a lime or so it seems. What the hell has happened? It seems like only yesterday that I wouldn't give two thoughts for a Citrus, now all I can do is wait to be juiced up and if lucky crushed into a Punch. Fucking bullshit, but just goes to show you can't take anything for granted. Maybe there's a future in this outcome, it's hard to say. Quite literally, as if my mouth cannot form the words - unsurprising as that shit is now a peel.

"YOU'RE TAKING THIS REALLY WELL"

What am I going to do, fly off the handle? That won't solve anything, the only possibility for solving is if some fucking Big Pharmas get their shit together and create a stunning cure for my ailment.

LIST OF THINGS TO DISTRACT MYSELF:

1. Sudoku, and derivatives of sudoku (maths?)
2. A Cormorant
3. Chicks (with dicks?)
4. A really tough outlook on Work Safety

'NSFW'

I just hope this finishes soon so I can get on with my life or whatever.

SINCE THE FACE BEEN REVEALED GAME GOT REAL

2007-01-28T07:19:00.000-08:00

How many dudes / chicks you know got the skills to rock an investigation of Troubled Jerk Pete Doherty?

'Pito Saute Aukilagi'

Checkit:

Clinician's Notes: Doherty proved to be a compliant and pretty sweet Interview subject, answering Queries with a Degree of Aplomb normally reserved for those with Degrees in Aplomb. Interview commences 4:48pm, right on time.

IOYC: Ayo Doherty, fuck's up champ!?
PD: Holla IOYC, just chilling with my Newfound Wife K. Moss. Say hi if you want.
IOYC: Whatever, do you agree it is now 4:48pm and that I am the realness? (note my Professionalism)

Doherty nods imperceptibly.

IOYC: Sick. So, Doherty, do you want to buy this pretty good Crack I have in my windpipe right here ready to regurgitate like a stupid Bird.
PD: Hell YES I want to buy that Crack.
IOYC: Too bad I swallowed it, now I am high as fuck. Jealous?

PD stares wistfully out a Window

-----

I think it went pretty well given the circumstances. You can see I tried to help that dude out but realistically, I can only show him the door - he has to walk through it.

"YOUR LEVEL OF COMPASSION IS SO GREAT IT IS ACTUALLY MAKING MY GENITALS HURT"

I've got a Salve that might help with that.

"REALLY?"

Not this shit again.

IT IS WHAT IT IS

2007-01-21T05:55:00.000-08:00

THEY CAN'T SPIT LOVE ONLY MORE PRODUCTION

2007-01-18T16:46:00.000-08:00

Guess what, I am totally chilled out nursing an Infant right now, having just got back from explaining the benefits of TV to like 45 Producers. Here is some of the notes I gave them, don't try and pass these ideas off as your own like I won't know when they are fucking dominating the ratings.

IOYC Memo
-------------
Re: Ideas
Date: Recently
Urgency: HOLY SHIT

A CONFIDENTIAL MEMO

Doc Holliday Bongo Explosion

A meeting of Wild West antics and West Indian antics to form something pretty 'ENERGISING'.
Handwritten Note: Starring a Handsome Man as D. Holliday?

A Picnic In Hanging Rock

Some dudes and chicks decide it would be a good idea to go on a massive excursion to a haunted rock. Guess what, it all fucks up.

World Championship Bowling

Have you ever seen Bowling so powerful all the pins just smash up into bits and then without warning the bits blow up like fireworks?

[INDEED HAS THERE EVER BEEN SUCH A BOWLING BEFORE]

Churlish Show

A contest to see who can be the most Churlish. There will be a 'Scowl-Cam' probably if the budget allows for it, what is the budget pls.

----

I think these ideas are getting close to realising my true potential.

'My True Potential?'

DON'T ASK ME, ASK MINISTRY

2007-01-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

This is new - I decided to really get a massive sense of Social Responsibility and involve myself in the politics of the day, like a Latter-Day Jefferson (Airplane?) just plain stepping in where I'm not wanted to tell others what's best for themselves.

"IS THIS SOME NEW EMO SHIT THAT MIGHT MAKE ME FUCKING VOMIT"

Don't be bandying that BS around like I won't lop your head clean off and watch it roll down a hill.

Recognise:

IOYC'S GUIDE TO POLITICS

'Under my Benevolent Rule there will be an increase in WTF'

1. Helping

Politics is often about helping others, because they are fucked. Let's face it, 'Everybody Hurts - Sometimes'. There are so many ways to help Clean Nuclear Families - stimulate Competition, Tarriffs, give them a Welfare / Services, buy a new TV, 'embrace and really just hug the fuck out of Values', explode Childs, prevent 'unrest', build a big fucking Road (Jobs + Road = OOH YEAH).

2. Setting an example

It's important to know that Politics attracts the 'best and the brightest'. You will find that what's important is the welfare of everyone and 'Achieving Grand Visions', not just some puerile bullshit like you might see in a Playground. It works like this because the system is perfect, even though it was made like 2,000 years ago, before Brains were invented. You can argue until you are fucking Blue in the Face and then you will be correct, so man the Barricades with so much Conviction in your Giant Righteous Testicles / Fallopia.

3. Telling others What to Do

'Ayo, IOYC, you are probably pretty stupid, why don't you do as I say in regards to a Freedom of Information or similar'.

Why certainly Minister. How's about I suggest an alternative, that I simply come round to your house and argue you into the ground until you are a whimpering little fish, and then Semtex your Mind into Outer Space.

4. Surety

It's so fucking important to be really 100% totally sure of what your beliefs in Politics are. That is because the way the world works is completely Black and White. Do you love a Market? How about Smashing a State? Are you for or against important issues such as Flag-Melting, weddings for Gay, what other people teach their Childs. DON'T YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT RETARD DOLPHINS OR SIMILAR. You'd better hurry up and become fucking polarised really soon you Doubting Thomas - remember what happened to that dude?? (Jesus felt sorry of him).

5. Spin Doctory

Now that we've entered an era of total Post-Facts, who gives a flying catshit about Realness. The important thing is to 'keep the public informed of what's best for them to know, at this time, in a manner that suits our interests of becoming re-elected by said public, for their own good, to push our agenda, of being remembered as pretty ill, and fulfilling the dreams of our forefathers of Yore while pleasing Interest Groups'.

Of course, if everyone knew / cared about heaps of shit that was really happening, we would have fuck all time to enter a Lifelong Dream Contest of Singing Since I was a Fucking Annoying Child or Win A Dream Home Renovation of Endless Prosperity.

6. Playing the 'Great Game of Empire'

This is not just some shit you can do on a MMPORG (WTFLOLBRB) or similar - if you 'have all the answers' or just plain 'take on the yoke of responsibility for all of us, reluctantly but sternly', then you might like to fuck with lives like little pieces on a Board. It's been going on since the Dawn of Time, so why stop now? Don't trouble your head with the blood of Childs on your hands, what are you, a do-gooding Wimp? What have wimps ever accomplished? You can bet it wasn't a wimpy Nerd of Science that invented the Giant Bomb (oh wait, yes it was --> Another Round, Please Vendor).

7. Actions speak louder than Words

While you are reading this on your fancy shit some Baby Childs in Blackistan probably just stepped on a Landmine full of AIDS.

I hope this has cleared up a bunch of shit - I just dashed it off on the train to Cockfosters.

YOU SPIT LIKE YOU'RE ILLITERATE; YOU GOT THE VOCAB OF AN IDIOT

2006-12-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

Feast on this, small timers:

GRIME AND PUNISHMENT
Dis how it is, in Prussia (c 1400s).

SCENE 1 EXT: K_____n Bridge
Raskolnikov basically is just running around in a slight frenzy.

Raskolnikov: Fuck blood I just merk'd up my fucked Landlady, trust.
DJ: My days, you best believe dis how we graft in dose flats. You strapped?
Raskolnikov: Ayo I got a flamer but I bust that shit with an Axe.

The Po-Po arrive.

From this point on Raskolnikov goes into the guilts, just walking around in a psychological fugue interacting with others, it gets less interesting unless you like shit that is an Internal Monologue. Brief synopsis of IOYC: best if you're slightly demented of Prussia and right the fuck into Gaming, chill out in a Prison of Omsk.

"I PREFER THE NORTON CLASSICS EDITION"

I prefer when you shut up.

'We All have To Make Choices'

GUNG HAY FAT CHOY PAL

2006-12-07T15:43:00.000-08:00

Well, it's finally Happy New Year 2007 and not a moment too soon. Time to reflect on 'exactly what the fuck just happened' for the year of 2006, check it.

THE GOOD

1. Made a lead suit so there is no longer a hideous problem with X-Rays.
2. Cycled across Asian land mass in about 5 minutes, so fucking quick.
3. Received voluminous correspondence destined for Captain of England Sports, Andrew Strauss. This is not some bullshit, it actually really happened, pretty good hey, shit yeah.
4. Exposed Arm Strength of Putin at big fucking risk to my shit. Just between you and me, I am still freaked about this.

THE BAD

1. Scored a massive dose of X-Ray Radiation straight into my Coccyx (see point 1. above ibid et al).
2. Fell off a Bridge into a Lake. That shit was freezing.
3. Every single Stock and Bond in my Portfolio dropped by 700,000%. Fucking shit Accountant that I have / had, should never have listened to that silvery-tongued guttersnipe.

THE UGLY

1. Grew weird shit out my Face.
2. Somehow became involved in modelling for Child Pornography even though I am way too old.
3. Ate a poo by accident.

All up it's been a pretty good year, I just hope it doesn't happen again.

'That's a Wrap'

MUST BE ALL THAT CINNAMON CINEMA SIMIAN SINGULAR

2006-11-29T04:28:00.000-08:00

Check out this bullshit reverse press conference drama I just had with the Cobra Commander, sad as us dudes used to be so simpatico it was like we were sharing the same Mind, when in fact we were just sharing the same Jug of Water. Maybe we got ionised, who the fuck knows / cares.

"I CARE"

That's really lovely.

---------

Background: IOYC and the Cobra Commander have been conducting missions into deep Enemy territory probably, like recon, spying, generally fucking shit up all over the place right under their noses like a couple of dudes / chicks who don't worry about anything except winning, Facts, Ambush and being Correct as shit.

COBRA COMMANDER: Hey IOYC what's up champ.
IOYC: Not much CC thanks for coming to the reverse press conference.
COBRA COMMANDER: I would have come here even if my whole family was having weddings on the same day - to each other.
IOYC: Word/s.

MEMBER OF THE PRESS: Holla IOYC and CC, my name is Member of the Press and my question is as follows:

[Edited for clarity]

COBRA COMMANDER: I'll field this one ay.
IOYC: Like fuck you will.
COBRA COMMANDER: Now listen here IOYC I don't want to pull rank but I am the Commander of this shit and will be answering this question if it's the last thing I do and I die straight after doing it.
IOYC: I've had it up to here (motions to fucking dope Neck) with your domineering shit Cobra Commander, all I do is complete missions and you take ~~some of~~ all the credit. If I wasn't dead calm with a heartbeat of 75 BPM I would do battle with you right now.

Members of the Press start running the hell out of the reverse press conference ie:

MEGA PAUSE.

COBRA COMMANDER: Fair point IOYC I have totally sucked lately. CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?? please.

Members of the Press run the hell back in looking for a massive 'Reunion Scoop'.

A total Group Hug ensues.

IOYC: Let's never argue again unless you fuck up.

---------

Pretty long piece of Transcript, but worth reading if you value shit that is great.

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND

2006-11-16T16:42:00.000-08:00

"HEY IOYC ARE YOU GOING TO STOP THINKING ABOUT PUTIN SOON"

It could be fucking ages away at this rate.

"GREAT, I LOVE PUTIN"

That's the spirit.

AGAIN WE USE THE MAGNETS POORLY

2006-11-12T22:07:00.000-08:00

MAKING ENEMIES WHINGE AND CRY

2006-11-08T16:58:00.000-08:00

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBOURHOOD

2006-11-07T05:25:00.000-08:00

DEAD LETTERING DELEGATES

2006-10-25T17:16:00.000-07:00

What's up peeps. Unfortunately things are a bit fucked up around here right now as I just got the following in the mail:

Dear IOYC,

I suppose you think you're pretty good, what with your Web Page. Well let me tell you something - I think you suck heaps. In fact I know more facts than you and am a better Journalist. How do you like that? Me telling you how it is?

Also, I'd probably be able to beat you in a game of Chess or Badminton or even fucking Rounders, if you want.

Yours Sincerely,

"WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!?"

All I can think is either:

(a) Pissed off ex-cop with axe to grind (a perennial favourite); or
(b) A perennial favourite.

'That Casio has a lean and hungry look'

Anyway I'm not letting it get to me, luckily I have developed flawless techniques of Aero Fighting, shitloads of Self-Esteem etc. I'm just remembering what one of my Mentors told me some day when we were probably like fishing in straw hats or some shit: "If you wrassle with a Pig, you both get covered in Muck, hey BTW sweet straw hat 'a Younger IOYC' what say we blow this fishing off and maybe wrassle maybe naked nahmean."

Shit Mentor.

SAMOA: A TOTAL HOAX?

2006-10-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

DENTIST'S MAD HE SAYS MY WORDS ABUSE MY MOUTH

2006-10-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

Slow News Day, thought I'd try my Learned Hand at a historic romance. Download this over a massive LAN, if you want to get 'Powned' by Feelings:

The Captain Hath Returned
A Timeless Story of Feelings by IOYC Dingleberry, Esq

SCENE 1: A County Fairground

LADY COMMODORE: Hey - hi, you'll never fucking guess - The Captain Hath Returned!

LADY SCARBOROO: No shit bro, I have so many unrequited Feelings of that Captain, but I can't ever say them, due to Restraint.

L. COMMODORE: Haha - suck shit.

L. SCARBOROO: PLEASE can you show me to my Chaise I think I have the Vapours or some shit and require a big Tonic.

L. COMMODORE: How big?

L. SCARBOROO: Really, pretty big.

L. COMMODORE: No shit eh.

-----

SCENE 2: Int. A Stablehand's Modest Quarters

L. COMMODORE: Oh dearest Stablehand, if only you weren't fucked of Servant Class, I would love to marry you.

STABLEHAND: MEGA SIGH, I suppose I'll soon contract Tuberculosis.

MANSERVANT: [Entering Rapidly] THE CAPTAIN HATH RETURNED Milady!!

A fight ensues.

L. COMMODORE: Oh dear I hope somebody bought like 450 litres of Tonic.

-----

SCENE 3: Int. Gosford Park or similar

Gathered round are some Ladies in Waiting, various Manservants, fanning and playing cards and shit.

THE CAPTAIN enters.

MEGA PAUSE.

Captain: I Hath Returned.

Tonic just pretty much sprays out the fucking walls.

---------------

What do you think? I reckon it really 'captures the moment'.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

2006-10-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

Hey - nothing much happening around here.

"YEAH, PRETTY CHILLED OUT"

Damn bro! Where did you come out from.

"I'M JUST JOINED, YOU WANNA HANG OUT AND SHIT?"

Well I've got stories to file and so on, pretty busy, maybe slot something in for a weekend or similar,

"FORGETTING SOMEONE PAL?"

"WHO IS THAT IDIOT?"

This is soooo fucked up right now.

"Sooooo
fucked up
right now"

I'll be in my trailer.

DEAR DIARY PART IXVXMMC

2006-10-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

So, time to 'get personal' with all this shit that's been happening these days. Today was pretty sweet, smoked a big salmon which I'll serve up later on a platter. In the afternoon I trained in Judo Defusion for a number of hours, it was exhausting (for my trainers - I didn't even break a sweat). Then it was like, 'enough of this down-time' and I got to work on some factual stories for Editors and shit. Those dudes never rest, always trying to make sure everyone knows the Truth of what is going on in the world, or at least a watered down version of it, which is super honourable.

After several rounds of Work I sat back and pondered the fate of my dear old friend, Spameron. Spameron changed his name from Cameron back in the day ~~when anything seemed possible~~, pretty much last week. I think it's been a success for him, but who knows, the jury is still out, deliberating, seriously deliberating, it's no bullshit of jury duty -> Civic Pride etc.

"THIS PLOT IS TIGHTER THAN A FUCKING CORSET"

I'm thinking of optioning it off, so don't be surprised if it's the smash hit of summer '08 or similar.

MEGA PAUSE

Great, my Dark Mark just flared up.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW? ANSWER: RIDING A DEATH TRAIN TO SLAUGHTERSVILLE*

2006-09-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

*Stopping all stations via Hurt Street

Sorry to be tha 'Bringa of Bad Newz' but I need to tell you right away about the Greico Situation. The thing is, I was just doing a little snooping around Richard Greico, wire tap, surveillance photo, totally casual, maybe thinking 'War of Terror', maybe just like 'sup, Greico, how do you like a cover of Fame Magazine', when things got out of control real quick. Greico snapped and is after me on some kamikaze shit like an angry Bee.

'I'll sign this Autograph and then your Death Warrant'

I don't know what the deal is, simply that he was obviously edgy as fuck beforehand and waiting for any excuse to go off. Just an example of 'wrong place, wrong time' I suppose. Normally I'd be totally nonchalant, waiting for Greico just like Kurtz, chilling in a Village doing Tai Chi a bit fucked up with no facial expressions. Thing is I have been leaked all this intel on Greico -> apparently he is gone from pretty harmless to fucking Weapons Grade. Is the dude a fucking Terrorist or Resistance Movement or what? Does Terror win if I totally shit myself in fear about this? What the fuck is the right level of Alarming Colour for this shit!?! I'm starting to think that I just fucking attract Big Problems.

"NAH MAN, DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF"

Thanks, but it's cold comfort (farm?).

ANOTHER BREAK OF POETRY

2006-09-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Why don't you read my poem about Germs, have you got something better to do.

GERMS
A Complete Magnum Opus by IOYC

Germs
They live in all of us
Fucking with our lives
But if it wasn't for them (eg, mitochondria)
You would dead set fuck up in about 5 seconds

No Fake Modesty but I think this poem sums up so much about Life, Existence 'Raison D'Etre' etc - is there a competition where I can win for it?

"CRYING"

'Consolation Prize?'

METAL MAKES US STRONG, TOGETHER WE BELONG

2006-09-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

I've been catching up on Relationships. This is some new frontier of Journalism to try out, because normally I am only focussed on the most hard hitting shit ever, not leaving the razor sharp world of Facts for one split second.

"NO SHIT PAL"

There is such a fucking pot-pourri of information out there on like 'How to Meet a Perfect Dude / Chick incl For Gay', seems like everyone is talking about it. I've been especially enamoured of 'modern advice', on like, where to shop / clothes for attracting the Greatest Mate, how to not fuck up in Conversation ('Hi - I am recently a Murderer of Childs'), what's up with Intercourse and so on.

'Don't turn around'

Let's throw open the lines:

Dear IOYC,
I recently became heartbroken when my Wife decided to leave me for the Cloth. How can I conceivably smash up the Lord, in this scenario.

Signed,
Hurting in San Francisco

Dear Hurting
I'm afraid you are fucked up now. The Lord simply cuts the fuck out of lunches all day long like it's nothing, which is probably true, for Him. I guess console yourself if you want on some 'she's in a better place' shit.

Dear IOYC,
How do I get a Man to like me? I think I am pretty sweet.

Signed,
Pretty Sweet

Dear Sweet,
For starters, probably a good thing to do is simply run up and scream the lyrics to a Song right in his / its face, make it a love song, something like 'Theme of Beaches' should do the trick.

Dear IOYC,
Should I obtain a Wedding Certificate, or just 'one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them' or similar, in a Church.

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,
Your question makes fuck all sense bro. Lay off the crack.

Ok - this is fucking exhausting. Back to Facts.

MY IN DEPTH ROLODEX GOT JAPANESE CONNECTS

2006-09-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

Well what do you fucking know I just received a telex from Japan informing me that I have inherited the Chrysanthemum Throne. I literally need to be in Tokyo in 45 mins to be Coronated as Imperial Majesty.

"ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE A PLANE OR SOME KIND OF FUCKING ROCKET TO GET THERE THAT FAST??"

To be honest that's the least of my worries at this point. I'm a bit ambivalent about the whole thing, as usual 'chronic indecisiveness is playing havoc with my life plans'. Shits me a bit, as this is a major decision, remain in current environs of 'Pretty chilled out in Sunny House nee Windmill' or 'Move to Japan and Rule ushering in a new era of Militant Imperialism based on Taoist Principles and Some Animism'. This isn't some shit like, 'what do I like more, iPod or iPod Nano'.

'Passport - check, Tickets - check, Babies - check'

To help me decide what to do I thought I would throw an I Ching, culturally insensitive but 'when in Rome' etc. I'm imagining this whole episode will be BLACKED OUT [no racist] of my official bio as Emperor.

Does anyone know how to interpret the results of an I Ching? No pressure, but the fate of entire nations is resting on this shit.

AND IN THE STILLNESS, THE DANZIG

2006-09-04T04:14:00.000-07:00

I've just stumbled across some portion of the internet that has made my blood boil. Is this what passes for journalism and social commentary these days? I can't make head or tail of some these so called 'scoops'. Exactly what is a 'childs'? I simply don't understand what is entertaining about Jeff Probst for example. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

"SUCKED IN MOTHERFUCKER, I PUNCHED OUT YOUR WIFE AND BOUGHT A T-SHIRT"

Holla.

So I got shat out of the Windmill (LET'S NOT GO INTO IT), since then I've been holidaying all over the shop, took in a film or two, bought probably 2,000 Pears, attended a Seminar, and now I feel it's time to return to the field of Journalism. The thing is there was a brief 'Dietary Crisis', which I resolved by simply eating the entire works of Frenchman Albert Camus.

'In the depths of Winter, I discovered there lay within me fuck all calories'

Let's talk more about this:

WHAT I DID ON MY HOLIDAYS
A metaphorical journey into the past

1. Skiing

I got the biggest season pass ever, Wisdom of Salomon, that kind of thing. The reason I went was pretty simple --> it seemed like a good idea at the time. Luckily, it was.

"I'LL BET, I FUCKING WISH IT WAS SNOWING RIGHT NOW, IN MY HOUSE"

Why don't you think things through before you say them. Skiing is pretty good, let's not ruin it with stupidity.

2. Looked a Gift Horse in the Mouth

It had without a doubt the shittest teeth ever. I'm fucking glad I looked and didn't listen to Sayings.

3. Won an International Florist Award

The deal with this was, just plant heaps of seedlings and use floristry skills to turn them into magnificent specimens. Call me a sissy if you want, I'll just shrug it off. I've been down with floristry since way back in the day, before it became cool. Nowadays it's everywhere but I still do it, because I love it.

"SHIT BRO, YOU AREN'T PLAYING"

You know it. Now if you'll excuse me I need to work on a Draft Proposal. That shit isn't going to write itself, unless my House is fucked from haunting.

SO THERE IT IS, GAME

2006-05-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

Hey - hi!

I don't think it's impolite for me to say that this Web Page has been 1 Billion Billion times better than anything else that has ever happened. I'll admit, sometimes this Year of being a card-carrying Journalism Graduand has been like smushing Shit Creek up with a Paddle. Other times it has been so fucking dope it's like if you could turn into an Eagle and just fly around dropping massive Fecal Samples on dudes and chicks that suck.

"I CAN SO IDENTIFY WITH THAT"

Some of the reactions I have received from the General Public include:

1. 85 x Pulitzer Prize
2. A Boat, some other boats
3. First Born Childs (Heads)
4. A pretty nice Quiche which I just fucking chucked out, could have been poisoned
5. Tickets to an Arena

Unfortunately, it is time for me to retire AGAIN, but this time in a manner of finality. There will be more Journalism taking place in the future, elsewhere, but it will likely be so different as to be unrecognisabl~~y fucking awesome~~e.

"I'M WEEPING WITH TEARS RIGHT ABOUT NOW"

Don't worry, it's not like I think you are a fucking weakling for your outburst. I once cried when 85 Bulls trampled on my face for a day. Maybe console yourself with a giant Magnet?

Synopsis:
I would like to thank all of the influential people who take the works of English and force it through an Idiotic Dick Machine, to further the cause of fact-finding. There's a massive List of them, right here where I can look at it if I want. Also friends etc, LARGE SHOUT OUT, so many of them / you.

Now I'm off 'on my merry way' to post a letter and make a payment to a Bank.

Probably eat a biscuit if I can be fucked with the Cupboard, stupid fucking Cupboard.

KINDEST REGARDS,

'Protons Electrons Always Cause Explosions'

THE HISTORY OF MY HIP-HOP IS TOO DEEP TO BE DISSECTED, PROBABLY

2006-05-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

So all I hear these days is some bullshit of Tom Hanks unlocking the Da Vinci Code. It's on every billboard within walking distance of my Temporary Replacement Windmill, cops are pulling people over and shooting them for not praising it, I'm pretty sure I saw Reincarnated Gandhi just shitting himself with hope about how good it might be (adaptation).

"I'D SELL MY CHILDS TO WATCH IT"

You probably would, and I'd buy them (£2,000?). The thing is I am so dubious about the Historical Events enacted in the Da Vinci Code, and so I set out to find out with pinpoint accuracy whether they are correct. Here's how it went down, transcribed:

DAY ONE
IOYC in Ancient Hebrew
"So yeah, here we are in the Birthplace of that ole Lamb of God - what's up, Bethlehem. It seems there is little to no Historical Evidence around here, but shitloads of dudes with chilled out Halva for sale. Give me some of it, now."

DAY TWO
IOYC en route to Cambria
"Man, fuck this journey off, lucky I brought like 60 iPod Nanos to give to people to massage me ALL OVER (my feet)."

DAY THREE
British Museum of Da Vinci Materials
"That Lion is SO FUCKING ILL, WTF no photography --> SKETCH PAD"

DAY FOUR
Gay Paree
"Pretty sweet Louvre you have here, how much do you want for it? Je M'Appelle, 'Le Motherfucking Realness?'".

Pretty shit expedition all round. If only I had access to the 'can-do' attitute of Lord Richard Branson (TM).

'If you got a problem // Yo I'll solve it --> possibly by purchasing it'.

Stay tuned for the next instalment when all will be revealed.*

* Editor's note: LOL as if I have an Editor

STYLES BEYOND AVERAGE

2006-04-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Yo, like 'Good Morning'.

I tell you what's difficult these days, dressing in a way that explains to the General Public your own personal realness. People are approaching me (pretty warily) saying like 'Ayo IOYC, which Hat / Denim / Furious Axe of Destiny should I wield to Hillary's Garden Soiree or whatever'. What am I, some kind of Agony Aunt? (NB: I would probably be fucking good at this). I think it's because the Fashion Police are everywhere, ratting on their neighbours through a network of informants just like we were behind the Iron Curtain of Ancient Prussia.

'No Shit'

So to save precious time I made up a compendium of basically heaps of bullshit, read it if you want, sif I care I'm so busy making plans for things that will happen in the future to even give two shits about the present.

IOYC'S GUIDE TO WEARING, FOR THE MODERN DUDE / CHICK

HAIR: Should be worn Short, with a hint of anger and some big fat trimmings. Inspiration for this season is from the Indonesian Martial Art of Silat, now defunct (beaten by Kung Fu).

SHOE: Ayo fuck a shoe, just wear a Sandal that says 'Hey - if you fuck with me I will forcibly take off this Sandal and cram it straight into your eye sockets, then we'll see (or more accurately you will NOT see) who is fucking with who'.

INK: Everyone should have a big tatt of say a stick of Gelignite exploding into a million pieces.

What's Hot For 2006

- Dressing as a Theme
- Tuning an Instrument
- A Desolate Wasteland inhabited only by The Wretched of the Earth

------

What do you think about all of this? Don't shit me by just reprinting it on the cover of every single damn magazine like some childish prank.

ELBOWS UNIQUE - NOW MEET THE NEW ME

2006-04-18T02:21:00.000-07:00

Now I've gone and done it - I'm officially too fucking massive to even leave my Gymnasium.

'We have massive Inferiority Complexes regarding IOYC's fucking Ridiculous bulk'

What happened was, I was pumping so much iron, just shitloads of it, thinking 'Man, am I ever going to be the biggest and most well toned Journalist ever following this Epic Session', when I suddenly realised if I did just one more single 'rep' (repetition) I would not be able to fit through the Door to the outside world.

"MOTHERFUCKING WOAH"

Oh yeah - I did that 'rep' (repetition). Hereby follows a brief list of the pros and cons of that shit:

PROS

- Now FUCKING ENORMOUS
- Courage
- Ultra-handsome, if you like that kind of thing (WHO DOESN'T)
- Could probably punch an Oxen across a Plain
- So chilled out, almost impossibly so

CONS

- Stuck in Gymnasium
- Weigh more than a Bus
- Clothing can't fit without tearing into worthless shreds
- Totally emotionless (is all my Dopamine in my fucking Torso?)
- Some serious problems with Genitals that I won't go into here (summary: HOLY SHIT)

Question is, what the fuck am I going to do now. Are there any jobs that can be done while massive and stuck in a gym?

Don't say 'Pumping Iron'.

THE MARRIAGE OF CADMUS AND HARMONY FOR CHILDS

2006-03-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

Get this, imagine if you were just a Sweet Innocent Baby, nothing to read, saving up $$$ for your future so diligently but yet thinking "I wish there was some Book I could read to make time go faster until I grow up to be fucking ill".

So I took to crafting a Work for Childs, see what you think, maybe read it to a Child if you want. You might need to scream it as it's a pretty quiet Work. It's so Grecian, this Work, can you handle it?

'Hector of Ancient Greece (in Dog form)'
We found out by accident most of the things that Hector could do. I only scratched the surface of the stories and the games we used to play with Hector. There are so many things that he knew and we only saw a fraction of it.

THE MARRIAGE OF CADMUS AND HARMONY FOR CHILDS
As narrated by Well-Known Childs' Author, IOYC S Lewis or Similar

"Once in Ancient Trojia lived a weary old dude of Cadmus, he was like, 'Man it is lonesome here in Trojia, if only I could find myself a suitable Bride and also what of Platonic Ideals'. Luckily for Cadmus there also lived a pretty ill chick (HINT: Harmony) just around the corner in Crete, thinking along similar lines, only shit thing is she was imprisoned by Minotaurs. After years of not much, Cadmus straight up went to Crete and rescued Harmony from her fate, people were pumped about it but tried to keep a lid on things, so ~~Hellenic~~ decorous. They decided 'let's completely marry' --> sounds dope but bad news because Harmony soon died of C. Elegans Infestation. Cadmus exclaimed 'Oh for fuck's sake, fuck this off, are you Toying with me Ye Gods, what of Platonic Ideals, is everything really this shit'. The Gods straight up lightninged him for that insolence.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Probly best to just hang out and eat a Pear."

I'm aware that the language might be a bit Adult for Childs, in this Work. My theory here is that 'the bigger they are the harder they fall'. You might need to explain to your Childs about some of the concepts, especially if they have like, the biggest learning impairment ever.

THE FIRST TIME MACHINE INVENTED WILL MENTION ME

2006-03-16T17:50:00.001-08:00

So, another year rolls around, festivities in the streets, I think perhaps it's the Year of the Themed Horse. I was having the biggest fucking Kinesiology massage ever when I decided to have my fortune explored. Luckily there was some two-for-one shit going on down the fortune exploratorium, otherwise I would have been so fucking out of pocket. Can you claim a fortune explore on Health Insurance?

'Nothing too serious -> Should clear up in a Week or so'

FUTURE PREDICTIONS
Year of Themed Horse

As foretold by the Prophecy.

"You will no doubt experience some great changes this Year in line with the planets of the Solar System. As the Moon moves into a total Vortex, you will feel like some weird shit is happening, but it's alright, just chill for a bit maybe eat a Chicken if the mood takes you. Financially, you are pretty much fucked so please hand over your Dope Watch, as if I give a fuck it is a heirloom of your Grandparent, just fucking give it to me right now, my precioouss. On the front of Romance, you'll probably marry a Sheik if you can just force yourself to do it. It won't be so bad, but there will be times where it will flat out suck shit. Be Steadfast, or at the least, be Teadfast."

I feel kind of worse now than before I knew my fate. That will teach me to play with Destiny, or will it? 1-900-DELPHI.ORG

YOU'RE NOW TUNED INTO EVIDENCE

2006-03-14T23:30:00.000-08:00

So my finances were becoming such a mess and I decided what better way to fix it beyond repair than to hire a Forensic Accountant. The dude can only be described as a total champ, he knows fucking everything there is to know about ledgers, debits, the South Sea Bubble, plus with the nous of a detective for ferreting out the Truth, nothing but the Truth, Uh-Huh.

"THIS SOUNDS SO CLASSIC"

It's pretty good! OR SO I THOUGHT, until he set in on my voluminous records, calling up all his mates on speed-dial, shouting 'How the Fuck am I going to tackle this case, the biggest of my career, I'll be pushing paper for the rest of my life on Traffic Duty'. He totally cordoned off the area with Accounting Tape --> good luck crossing that shit without a Warrant(y).

'When Simultaneous MCs Drop That's Spontaneous'

So now I'm stuck with NO access to my financial records, I tried to liven up the mood by saying shit like 'There's no Accounting for Taste', the dude gave me a fucking Thousand Yard Stare straight up. He must have seen some fucked up shit back in Accounting School to pull one of them. Luckily I gave him a Million Yard Stare right back, like a fucking Zen Robot of Space-Time. Good one Accountant, try and fuck with this shit and we'll see who wins.

I wish I could get to my God Damn share certificates.

GUEST JOURNALIST: BOSS

2006-02-28T02:34:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone. I'm totally like, the Boss of IOYC over here at Reuters ~~or some shit~~. My job consists of basically making sure that dude is okay and ensuring that his Journalism remains top-notch. I don't need to tell you that this job is the easiest shit in the world, due to his fucking massive Competence. A retard could do it, although it is stressful at times.

'Maybe my Palm Pilot fucked up?'

I remember the day when a young IOYC first showed up here waving around some flimsy piece of card with shit written on it. It just happened to be the biggest Scoop of my whole career - coincidence? Or just some other bullshit. I like to think that I mentored IOYC from a position as Fact Checker to where he is today, but the truth is he would probably fucking waste me if I said some lying filth like that. I'm scared of being wasted even though I have forty black belts in forty different fighting disciplines, including Aero Fighting.

Now I have to go and build an entire School including robot teachers just because IOYC said it might be a good idea. ~~Fuck this job!!~~ Check my Career Satisfaction:

Your Career Satisfaction tests indicate that your level of Career Satisfaction is:

Fucking Heaps.

I JUDGE WISELY, AS IF NOTHING EVER SURPRISE ME*

2006-02-20T20:37:00.000-08:00

*except in this instance.

Preface: What follows is probably the illest thing you will hear today, unless you are listening to a Jet taking off.

'I love it when things are correct'

So I just got a new Tenant at my place, to help out with the Rent. What happened was, someone put an advertisement in prime-time without my knowledge, dudes (and chicks) started ringing me day and night asking 'Hey, hi - when the fuck can I come and live in your place IOYC, I am so homeless right now, I was Evicted during a Snowstorm'. So I thought 'fuck this' and hired a Professional to sort through all the bullshit.

The thing is, that Professional set me up with an Executioner, in my house. This dude's job is straight up, dispensing fatal justice on behalf of the King or some shit. He looks pretty chilled but you don't want to fuck with him. At first I was like, 'that's pretty interesting' and then I was like 'wait, this could fuck up really badly'. The dude assured me he won't 'bring his work home' but then within minutes --> he did. I guess he can't really get enough of the Death Penalty / Job Satisfaction, fair enough as that shit is so important for well being. Is it bad Feng Shui to have a fucking Guillotine in your Hallway? Also, how can I possibly have a Guest or some shit, so much embarrassment, 'Oh this is my Tenant, an Executioner, don't worry about the stigma attached he's so okay, oh FUCK I've burnt the Roast I put on, this has gone to shit.' ANOTHER GUEST RUINED --> Executioner, please don't accidentally kill them on their way out WINK WINK.

I'll probably just move myself out, seems easier, hire a van and pile all my things into it willy-nilly, 'On the Road Again'. Life being a travelling Journalist is alright, but sometimes I just wish it was heaps better.

LYING POLITICIAN IN DRUNK SEX ROMP WITH DRUGGED ACTOR

2006-02-13T20:46:00.000-08:00

How much do you respect my foray into Tabloid Journalism?

Check this. An Editorial of total courage in the face of adversity.

"TELL ME WHAT TO THINK, I NEED OPINIONS TO MAKE FRIENDS"

Say you look around yourself today, just gazing on the scene of Society, you'd be a total Cock to think it was all good. So many places the moral fabric is decayed like an old Turkey that was left out after Christmas to be shat on by Moths. Or whatever other creature has no respect for the Status Quo. Do you love the Status Quo? I FUCKING HOPE SO.

'Who has all the answers? Do Helmets have all the answers?'

Let's play the Blame Game - to win. I'd say that the reason everything is gone to shit can be pinned on the following:

1. Murder She Wrote. This is the show that made killing Dudes and Chicks somehow totally okay. Hey, no problem if someone was just mowed down on a rampage, I'll just type merrily on a bed without a care in the world. Murdering, LOL, so quirky / harmless.

2. Maps. It used to be that if something was pissing you off, you could just move it around while blindfolded and forget where it was. See eg, Asia / 'Gondwana' etc. Nowadays, there's Maps showing where everything is. Even blind people probably have Maps in Braille. ARE THEY SICK?

3. Illegitimate Childs. So what, you just want to bust out a Descendant out of Wedlock? Are you shit in the head? What if that Child grows up to be a fucking King of England, there will be so much controversy of Oliver Cromwell and so on, where will we be then. Answer? FUCKED.

Basically if you're not part of the Solution, you're part of the Problem.

Now if you don't mind I need to smoke a massive Canoe.

DEAR DIARY PART II (TWO)

2006-02-10T18:21:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been another massive few days of just so much shit happening. I turned 136, which is pretty old but also young compared to someone that is like, 450. All you ever hear, at 450, "remember the good ole days when I didn't look like an Albino Sultana" etc etc, will it ever end. To celebrate my Birth I decided to build an entirely new house and eat a massive Apricot.

I'm not kidding, that Apricot was the size of a fucking Airport. If you saw it, the first thought would be to challenge my ability to eat it. I'd respond by simply eating the whole thing in one gulp, staring directly at you without blinking or even opening my Mouth. Leaving you with egg on your face (also Apricot / shrapnel of Apricot?).

Imagine if Good Will Hunting was forced to 'do the Math' on that shit. SCORE:

IOYC: Ultimate Victory
Good Will Hunting: Despair / Therapy of Robin Williams.

The house building went alright, an Architecture Marvel in many ways, but forgot to bring a 'Spirit ~~Guide~~ Level' so the place is pretty wonky. It hasn't really solved my House Related Crisis but you can't expect miracles from Realty or Construction (unless you hire Jesus as Carpenter --> Good Luck at like, time and a billion).

"IS THIS JUST SOME COMPLETE BULLSHIT"

Oh sorry, perhaps you need some directions to get to Shut Up Village. IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

My plans for the rest of the day include:

1. Sell Furniture to the highest bidder and receive Positive Feedback.
2. Rally against the forces of Evil, but pretty quietly.
3. Try not to offend people with really itchy trigger fingers (eg recently Divorced Cops with severe eczma).
4. Make friends with a Stork (or at a pinch, a Heron).

'Check my Rhinoplasty'

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK, MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP

2006-02-03T18:02:00.000-08:00

Bad news aspiring Music - I just started what will probably be the World's biggest Band. How it works is, IOYC on Drums, IOYC on Guitar / Keyboard, Computerised Basslines, Fucking Sweet Robot on Vocals. I need to program that Robot to sing, at the moment it just puts together a Toyota or some shit, but I can 'sense its hidden talents'.

'I can sense things through a TV'

The kind of entertainment we'll be busting out will be pretty cutting edge, I don't imagine people will know what to think of it. For example, here's a (Totally Impartial) review of our first album 'Hammer of Self-Defence':

IOYC Band
'Hammer of Self-Defence'
Capitol (or some shit)
2006

FOUR HUNDRED STARS

This Album quite literally redefines what it means for things to be good. After listening to it over one thousand times in a row I realised that Holy Fuck, my life is now so damn improved, I am inspired to go to like, Africa and help Childs. Musically, the twin attacks of IOYC and Robot complement each other while at the same time pissing each other off. This tension drives the Band into new territory. It sounds like a fucking Comet hitting a Wizard School. Don't even buy it, just run into a Record Store and DEMAND to own it (politely), clutching your own Face and weeping into a cup of tea (pre-purchased).

~~Kind Regards~~

I think it's a fair review. I didn't like that shit about Comets but ~~Fuck Music Critics~~ I can handle it.

A DATE WITH DESTINY

2006-01-27T07:13:00.000-08:00

Ayo, you're probably wondering 'is this shit come to an end because I am impatient as fuck with it'. Thing is I've been SUPER BUSY in the process of 'historical looking' to find out just how the fuck I became such an Exciting Monument of Integrity. One thing I keep coming back to is the fateful day I agreed to go on a Date with the Denzel Washington. Let me paint a picture -

'Oh yeah - I went there (recently)'

Basically the dude hassled me for months, ever since I let slip that I was down with Oscar Winners (and even Nominees), so I thought 'what the ~~fuck~~ hell' and agreed to have a massive Meal with him.

"YOU TWO BIT TRAMP"

What are you, Amish? Anyway shit didn't go according to plan, apparently the Denzel has the wrong impression now and can't shut the fuck up about our future together. Confidentially, I have no plans for the future with that motherfucker, he spent the whole Date in a kind of funk like 'This is my Perfect Dream - but you're ruining it'.

I personally blame the 'Hollywood System' for giving the Denzel all these bizarre and unrealistic hopes of relationships. Is it wrong to just tell him to fuck right off? I couldn't really live with myself if some harm came as a result of this - the repercussions would be enormous (a ban of IOYC at Golden Globes?).

RIGHT NOW MY JOB IS EATING THESE DO-NUTS

2006-01-17T20:13:00.000-08:00

Check this - there's basically nothing out there to help people be good at work. Call it 'a fundamental lack of resources' - if you want. The end result is so many people are shit at their Jobs. Every day I'm forced to deal with:

1. Real Estates (Hey - What is a Rent)
2. Aged Care Worker (Can I Feed Childs?)
3. Inventor of Solar Car (Let's make a Petrol Car!!)

"WHAT'S TO BE DONE - I'M AFRAID"

My take on this: There are two parts to every Job, the front end and back end. The front end refers to tasks you might have to perform at your Job, like make a Reinforced Beam, lend money to Creditors, assess probability of Flood etc ('It's so fucking likely there will be a Flood soon --> please watch out'). The back end is usually described as 'keeping all your ducks in a row'. I don't actually know what this means, unless your Job is some shit of Ducks (A Duck Warden?).

The last Job I applied for involved selling Donuts for some fat cat Capitalists bent on world domination. The interview was a piece of ~~Shit~~ Piss, cop this:

IOYC: Alright motherfuckers how's about my latest Resume of Achievements.
DONUT VENDOR: Dude, I'll sell you my own Grandma to work here.
IOYC: I don't want that wrinkly old chick, just an Employment, woe is me in the PoorHouse(TM).
DONUT VENDOR: This is on some unpaid shit, volunteering for the good of Donuts.
IOYC: I am seriously going to bust this place up - I will fucking bust it up right now.
DONUT VENDOR: Shit - you look serious.
IOYC: I am.

I'm still waiting to hear back about that Job, but rest assured if I get it you will be buying Donuts from me. My sales pitch is so hypnotic --> like a fucking Siren (of Greece not Ambulance).

'The Power of Christ Compels You (to eat my Products)'

WHATEVER TAKES YOUR FANCY (RATS [AWAY FROM ME])

2006-01-08T01:57:00.000-08:00

It's common knowledge that rats are Worthless Vermin. To demonstrate - Imagine a school, day one, all the students sit down and the teacher says 'Good Morning, today's lesson will be How Great Are Rats'. You'd be fucked off beyond belief if you sent your child to that school, 'Demand an Inquiry' / I Sure Hope Someone is fired for this, is this your idea of a Joke, Principal? YOU SHIT PRINCIPAL!!

'Thank you all for coming to my Rock, I might sell you some Insurance now'

I digress. Where I am going is, some clowns think Rats are good, and even make pets out of them. They'd probably try and marry them if it was legal. 'Oh, look at my husband, a Rat'. (Response: 'Your husband is Worthless Vermin --> Get a Divorce'). These people are almost all members of the National Fancy Rat Society (NFRS), one of the most heinous societies of them all. All they like to do, all day, is just take normal old rats and turn them into Fancy Rats, breeding like Rabbits (or Rats).

I just hope that like such fucked up societies as Amazon, Tribe of Inca etc, the NFRS gets its ass handed to it by a Conquistador or two. An example of 'Social Darwinism'?

'Your shit Sun Calendar is no match for my Spanish Violence of Kung Fu'

ZEN AND THE ART OF BEING PRETTY FUCKING SWEET

2005-12-27T06:39:00.000-08:00

Ayo, readers. Check this, I just became totally Enlightened the other day, under the tutelage of this ill Roshi who was visiting from Feudal Japan (I think - he was so non-specific regarding his Origins). If you're wondering 'what did this scene look like', imagine a Mr Miyagi type dude (pre-Corpse), and then me just chilling in some armchairs / fighting on a Cliff.

It's pretty dope being 'one with the universe', but also a big helping of 'so, what next'? Here's a transcript of what happened --> be careful in case you also get Enlightened whilst reading it (eg if you're at a Place of Employment).

IOYC: Sup Roshi, how's my Beginner's Mind? I reckon it's top-notch.
ROSHI: It reminds me of the story of some monk or some shit, a flower petal falling on a tree.
IOYC: Your brand of Buddha is so infused with humour (AND PATHOS).
ROSHI: Tell me about it - I fucking love it.
IOYC: So, how can I get Enlightenment, it's really eluding me.
ROSHI: As long as you search for the Gate, you will never find the Gate.
IOYC: Shit. Just straight up tell me where the Gate is, if you want.
ROSHI: I can't, Buddha will have my nuts.
IOYC: Fuck this.

[MEGA PAUSE]

ROSHI: [Looks pretty mysterious]
IOYC: This is taking a while.

[MEGA PAUSE]

IOYC: HOLY SHIT.

If there's one thing I can say about being Enlightened, it's not too shabby. From now on my Journalism will be pretty loaded with heaps more Buddha-Nature than previously --> a subtle change.

'Pre-Enlightenment Thinking'

DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME? --> LET'S TELL THEM

2005-12-25T05:06:00.000-08:00

So, once again it's 'that time of the month (of December)', when we celebrate the Miraculous Birth of that Precious Little Lamb by eating a big fat turkey and just fucking giving it to everyone we care about (ie Presents). I've already got all my Gifts sorted out, according to a Schedule, cop this:

IOYC Family Members
Golden Nuggets, Cameras, Buckets of Soil.

FRIENDS LEVEL ONE
Warm Greetings, maybe a little Bath Towel.

FRIENDS LEVEL TWO
Pretty much fuck all.

All the Compliments of the Season to everyone!!

A possible Gift for my Aunt?

HONG KONG: THE LAST STRAW?

2005-12-15T02:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm back in Hong Kong AGAIN. I had such high hopes that the place would have cleaned up its act since I fucking slammed the shit out of it earlier in the year. The intervening period could have been a time of great soul-searching for Hong Kong, 'where did we all go wrong Hong Kong etc', leading to a pretty dope 'cycle of change and growth'.

Instead if anything it's gotten even shitter. I can't even look at it really. If I glance at some dude of Hong Kong out the corner of my eye, I just get filled with anger and despair, plus a big helping of 'Dude, you could have fixed Hong Kong ---> Recently'.

'I'm seeing a Patten emerging'

ANYBODY GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, BETTER BE RUNNING AWAY

2005-12-04T05:11:00.000-08:00

So - I just took up Jogging. To cut a long story short my fitness levels were 'through the floor' and an Alternative Medical Practitioner said 'Dude if you don't start Jogging, you are FUCKED. Now, give me £1,000 GBP and Jog the hell out of here before I open your Meridians.' I was a bit disappointed with the Bedside Manner of that Alternative Medical Practitioner, but didn't hesitate to fuck right off as instructed. Wait till his £1,000 GBP Cheque bounces, then we'll see who's laughing (it's likely neither of us will be laughing).

Derek: A Joke about Jogging
Anastasia: LOL

Basically Jogging is just the same as running. You start in one place, and run to somewhere else. There are so many health benefits to it, it's fun, humourous, just plain great most of the time.

"SOUNDS FUCKING DANGEROUS"

I won't lie - it is.

"Each time you run, you may be exposing yourself to criminal elements; criminals who may see a female jogger as easy prey. Even macho men have been attacked or robbed while jogging alone."

'I live with Fear every Day'

"There can be no death any more horrifying than one from a bear attack. As you walk or travel through bear territory, and if you can not see more then 50 to 100 feet in front of you, call out every few minutes until you enter a clear area. Some people call out, others sing, some wear bear-bells."

All this danger was freaking me out, so I Jogged straight to the World's Illest and Safetiest Country, Sweden. You might remember some shit about a Heat Pump there, well I tell you the place was hotter than a Furnace (that had been switched off and placed in Ice). Here's what happened in Sweden.

1. Some fucking massive Party of Yuletide, dudes jumping up and down in the Spirit of 'Jesus is the Reason for the Season'.
2. I got like 5 Mobile Phones, was just calling up my own Mobile Phones, all day. 'Hey IOYC, what's up Chief - Not much just calling you / myself'.
3. Learning Swedish in a really Benign Institution. It's not such a hard language when you master the Vowel Sounds of it.

I'm back in the Windmill now, just chilling and drinking Electrolytes. Tomorrow I might Jog to another country, once I've finished investigating safety aspects --> ISO900 etc.

ARE YOU GOING TO SCARBOROUGH FAIR (+ BONUS)

2005-11-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't - the joint is pretty fucking shit. 'Wow, a Parsley + Sage. What of it vendor, this Parsley + Sage: how much for it'.

The Vendor probably starts signing some harmony at this point, like the shittest sales technique ever. Is he / it unaware of 'subtle suggestive dialogue / NLP techniques guaranteed to GRAB CUSTOMER SATISFACTION?'. I can't abide unprofessionalism. It's like a Disease, on professionalism.

"ARE YOU THE CURE OF IT"

Probably not - more like a vaccine (ie, get some of this into you before it's too late. Afterwards, well, good luck with Life --> in a Hospice).

'Schoolboy Error'

So, what do you think?

I'll be the first to admit that this story contains less Journalism than some others. However it should be noted that I'm being toxically shocked by so many Chemicals at the moment, trace elements all up in the 'water supply', pouring out of vestibules, Ions in the Atmosphere. In fact I've had to Purify my Windmill with a tincture of G. Paltrow + Apple.

'Multi-Purpose'

It's working alright, but she fucking annoys me sometimes. 'My Apple wants to be raised in a loving environment'. I try but I just can't abide Childs of Fruit. This kid could be scarred for life if I'm not careful.

BONUS:

WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS CAT PLAYING OF

I'm in your computer

WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER PEERS ON THE BLOCK POURIN OUT BEERS

2005-11-13T14:56:00.000-08:00

So I went to a massive High School Reunion yesterday. It was such a 'blow out', all the old Gang was there, Ranger Stacy, Checkers, Filthy Alan, Goose, and Cameron the Cannon. We had the biggest fucking trip up Memory Lane EVER.

"I'M ABOUT DUE FOR A SERVE"

About my High School --> I went to St. Fabricon's Joint for Dudes and Chicks. It was a pretty dope school, all we did all day was study and learn shit, occasionally pausing to think 'where am I going with this'.

'Class of 19599'

Here's some highlights thrust right into your grills:

RANGER STACY
Ok this chick now Manages a Hospital for Retards. I asked her about it real surreptitious, she said QUOTE: "I don't want to talk about my Job right now, let's get a fucking Squash, I'm off the alcohol bruzz"

CHECKERS
Straight up, the guy has 85 Childs. I'm like, 'you must be so proud' he's like ---> 'fuck yeah'.

FILTHY ALAN
Dude tried to grab my Package, I let him have it (it was a Package of Ties).

GOOSE
"He flies like his old man - by the seat of his pants"
"You'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit outta Hong Kong"
"We were inverted"

CAMERON THE CANNON
Still a Cannon. So classic.

Everyone was pretty fucking pumped to hear of my Unlimited Success in Journalism. So much so that it started to shit me --> pretty hard. I think this reminded people "don't fuck with IOYC, woah he hasn't changed - still really sweet".

DEAR DIARY

2005-11-10T04:31:00.000-08:00

Why don't you 'take a leaf of my Book', right here:

Well today I took some 'time out' from Windmill Maintenance and Journalism for an interesting Day of Activities. Whilst entering a Megastore I thought about Harry Potter, AGAIN. Maybe I am possessed by ~~Lord Voldemort~~ HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED AS LORD VOLDEMORT. Maybe not, because there are posters of that shit all over the place, incl inside my Eye.

Then I went for lunch in the High School Cafeteria.

'See those fucking Jocks, or some shit --> FUCK JOCKS'

Later (much Later), I went on a Hill and had a little ponder of the lives and times of others on the Hill. A dude pushing a Stroller (Is it a Childs in there?? OR SHOPPING). Some Frisbee motherfuckers straight up chucking shit at each other, smearing themselves in fun. Ended up in some ole Bar, Man, did I have 'the times of our lives' in there - The Barman, 'Steve', he was just flipping drinks at Patrons, smashing them up, throwing Fire into Hair, what a riot.

I got back to the Windmill to find that it had been demoted to a lower credit rating, Standard & Poor really flipped out (Bbb+, WTF). So now I have all these debt problems. Is anything going right? The good news is a Rooster is nesting in my Fireplace, just hanging out. Fucked for Eggs, but if I get really hungry I can make a massive Cock Sandwich.

I wonder what Tomorrow will bring? Probably something pretty mindblowing.

I'M GETTING HIVES (OF INTERFERING BEES)

2005-11-03T09:02:00.000-08:00

There's a fucking Bee in my Bonnet. I just got out of my Automobile to check the oil or some shit, I 'pop the trunk' and all there is in there is one little smarmy Bee. It's not even a Queen Bee, just a little ole drone, plain as day. How is this fucking Insect powering my car!! It's driving me Nuts to just consider it.

'Actual Size'

Here's a description of the scenario:

SCENARIO:
IOYC stares at Bee. Bee just fucking smiles back, chilling on the floor of the bonnet. It looks like the Cat that ate the Canary, except a Bee.

That shit is like Version 2.0 of my Automobile.

Upgrades include ENGINE ----> BEE.

I got so angry I made up a list of things the Pope can do. I might smash the Bee with this fucking list soon:

THE POPE CAN DO THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE:

1. Explode on cue / at will.
2. Grimace any time incl 24 / 7.
3. Journey to a theoretical Universe with Prof Hawking (Stephen Hawking).
4. Start a new Religion of 'This Religion, I am the Pope of it'. [NB: CONTROVERSIAL]

So satisfying --> but I can just imagine being prosecuted for Murder of a Bee. Too bad if the Judge is some Hippie of Buddha that loves Insects, he/she/it? will 'throw the book at' me. All I need, a book thrown at me, as if I don't have enough to deal with already without a book-shaped Crater right in my Face [and a lengthy Jail term being some Dude's Bitch].

Can you survive in Jail by 'just being pretty introverted'? Imagine if I get Hoisted on my own Retard and end up in that Jail I started. I'll try to tell the other inmates --> 'LOL Irony' they'll be like 'LOL *sharpens toothbrush*'.

THE MIS-TREE OF LIFE

2005-10-26T16:07:00.000-07:00

Storytime pals (!!)

Chapter One

In this Chapter we Open at a Stairway, some dude just sitting on it. It looks like Our Man IOYC --> ie, pretty fucking ill. He is Eating Crisps.

SUDDENLY

HE EATS CRISPS (more)

CUT TO -

INT. A MOTHERFUCKING ROOM

'Check out my Disc - it's on a Rug'

Henri D. Grissino-Mayer (H.D. G-M.). I'll admit, the dude is everywhere these days but it can't be helped if I want to jump on the bandwagon. There's so much fucking room on the bandwagon! It's like a Caravan of Enlightenment.

"OR A CARAVAN OF COURAGE"

Whatever hippy. The speciality of H.D. G-M. is Dendrochronology, which is some shit to do with trees. If you asked him, 'Hey - hi. Look I don't have all day HOW OLD IS THIS FUCKING TREE!!' he wouldn't even bat an eyelid at you. He'd just chop it down and answer straight away in a monotone, a child-like grin on his face. And his answer would be accurate to the minute. You could set your watch by it if you wanted, or just check out your surroundings. Other shitter Dendochronologists would take weeks in a lab to come up with some fucked up answer that is just plain wrong. It's such a rotten Science, perverted by in-fighting and a 'culture of fear'.

I've been so inspired by H.D. G-M. I think I might put a statue of him next to my bed. There isn't any room but fuck that - I'll make room --> So Long, Furniture!

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE BEACH

2005-10-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

Cop this – I thought I’d totally try my hand at a work of The Bard. What do you think of the results? (Below). I think they are ‘pretty fucking nice to look at’.

"I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY FUCKING NICE TO LOOK AT"

Holla. Anyway,

IOYC’S THE MERCHANT OF VENICE BEACH
(An Adoption of William Shakespeare’s Famouse Worke)

'Check out our Hamlets'

IOYC: Ayo, Yea Verily it’s pretty ill here in Verona, so much to see and do, yet I still have an Ennui MEGA SIGH.
Mercutio: Chill out bro, My Kingdom of a Horse, let’s just hang out a bit.
IOYC: Alright, for thine art pretty sweet of chilling with, Mercutio, O FATEFUL MERCUTIO.
Mercutio: Hark, a Viola – she’s pretty fly ~~For a White Guy LOL~~

Mercutio Exeunt.

Viola: Holla, IOYC, I have travelled far anon to find this place and whaddya know, it fucking sucks.
IOYC: Straight up, are you a Dude or a Chick.
Viola: I am a chick dressed of a Dude, is that freaking you out.
IOYC: Pretty much ---> SO CONFUSING.

Viola Exeunt.

MEGA PAUSE

IOYC: Fuck this.

IOYC Exeunt.

FIN

I wonder how this will go down 'Off Broadway'. ~~Like a Sack of Shit~~ FIVE STARS

IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN AND PUTIN THE BASKET (OF JUDO)

2005-10-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

Get ready for an 'Internal Server Error' --> David 'Vladimir' Putin, King of Prussia, is apparently STILL FUCKING WITH JUDO. This is despite the fact that it has been Really Banned for at least 85 months.

'Who cares about Laws, I'll just flip myself up'

I didn't realise how Lawless things are in Prussia right now. Hardly 'leading by example', to bust out a Banned killing method when you are the King. Imagine what Serfs will think --> 'If the King can flip dudes all day, maybe I'll try it. Maybe I'll form an Army of it!!'. This shit could straight up trigger the biggest Clash of Civilisations EVER. Now we need to seriously consider a fucking Maelstrom of Judo coming out of Prussia, like a bat out from Hell, with one aim in mind:

JUDO

It's exactly why this killing method was banned in the first place. One thing is for sure, nobody is safe right now. Even Guns are no use against a Judo Wizard, one second you will be pointing a Gun at them ready to 'squeeze one off', and before you know it, POW, dead of Judo.

"IT'S LIGHTING FAST, BY THE SOUNDS"

Lightning is slow as shit compared to it.

'Let's get ready to rrrrumble'

SHARING IS CARING

2005-10-12T05:43:00.000-07:00

With all the Troubles in the world today it's easy to forget - 'Fuck, are Humans ever superior of Apes'. I remembered this shit yesterday and straight as an arrow got some Bonobos on board to be my Serfs. They are pretty chilled, check it:

'Let's not take anything Seriously'

Bonobos are a different kind of Ape from most others. Normally, you'd think of Gorillas and 'the Exotic Oran-Utan of Siam' or some shit.

"I'M THINKING ABOUT A GIBBON OR TWO"

Well Bonobos are nothing like that. Even their genes are so fucking different. They are basically a Super-Breed, of Ape, able to perform tasks like Childs can do (eg Gift-Wrapping, Admiralty, Basic Spells). I've got mine just doing odd jobs of the Windmill, cleaning Blades and so on. Precis: 'Adding grist to the Mill'. ~~What's Grist~~

Here's my Moral Dilemma:

IS IT OK TO NOT PAYMENT THE BONOBOS

At the Press Club, dudes have been saying to pay those Bonobos a Minimum Wage. All I have been doing is punching them if they don't 'do as I say not as I do'. Who should I listen to --> the Voice of Reason? (iPod Nano LOL) So hard to keep track of all the conundrums at the Press Club; why do I keep going there?

'A Merry Ole Time With Friends'

HUBBA HUBBA, PIG BASTARD

2005-10-10T04:31:00.000-07:00

This is getting to be 'beyond a Joke' - as I'm about to be investigated by Internal Affairs of Journalism. These are cats working on the 'inside', literally stop at nothing to stamp out corruption in Journalism, it's like The Matrix (ie those dudes of Elrond in The Matrix). I just got the notice this morning when I clocked in at the station, 'routine bust / Brooklyn-Queens Expressway / 10-4' or some shit. There it was on my locker, reading:

AYO IOYC YOU ARE BEING INVESTIGATED PROMPTLY, NEVER FEAR IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE [sic]

This has got me so Paranoia, what if I do have something to Hide!? I mean I've always kept up the highest ethical standards --> it's why I joined the Force. But it's like they just want one little slip up before 'Hey - hi, let's go to Room 101 and haul you in front of a Grand Jury to explain an Inquisition: Topic = YOU ARE FUCKED NOW'.

The other alternative I guess is if it just turns into a cheery session of backslapping and thinking about the Good Old Days of Cadets and 'the crisp sound of Leather on Willow'. What has got me buzzing is that they will have so much difficulty cracking my 'poker face' given that the shit is totally Botoxed to the Max. It's like the unseen hand of the Market was guiding my Flying Syringe Monster directly into my face.

'Hit Points 120 Stamina 120'

Holla back Milton Friedman / Thomas Friedman! (IS COREY FELDMAN IN ON THIS).

TIME TO FACE FACTS

2005-10-08T05:44:00.000-07:00

Great - I just accidentally Botoxed my whole face. I was trying to rig up what I can only describe as a 'Flying Syringe Monster' in my Windmill, to ward off predators. Thing is it backfired like a motherfucker, due to an error with the Blueprint.

'He's Going To Pull Through - Perhaps'

At least I know it works, even if I can't smile about it --> I can't do fuck all (Facially).

"I BET YOU LOOK HELLA YOUNG THOUGH"

I won't lie - I look like I'm Six years old. Shit's alright, if I was in Primary School or a contest of 'who's the Youngest (looking)'. But imagine a Job Interview:

'Oh Hello IOYC, your Curriculus Vitae is fucking dope as shit, let's just..'

(MEGA PAUSE)

'Are you fucking SIX?? ~~as there is a minimum age requirement for this job~~'.

What are jobs for people that look of Six but are actually so fucking Qualified, degrees of Journalism, Science, Kicking Ass, Taking Names, Masters of Realness, etc. All I can think is 'Boat Clerk' and 'Rambo Sidekick'. Are these even real jobs? Or just another example of 'Downshifting'.

'I'll get you for this Malfoy'

AIN'T SHIT WORSE THAN A WASTE OF TALENT

2005-10-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

You all know how I love Childs and Science like it ain't a thang. Well, I decided to open what so far is the world's most ill Scientific Montessori Kindergarten. It's a place where other people's Childs can just run free, be themselves, benefit from a rigid framework of Activites etc.

'Shut the Fuck Up'

The self-esteem of these Childs is through the roof - it's like they're on drugs. When the Husbands and Wifes ~~(non Gender-Specific Language Pls - Ed)~~ rock up to kidnap them at the end of the day, all they exclaim is 'Jesus Fucking Christ this Montessori Kindergarten fulfils my dreams of a Better Tomorrow, Whoops message on my iPod Nano LOL my Stocks and Bonds have Dropped ---> RRRRRRRRRRRRe-mortgage'.

It's hella satisfying.

What I'm thinking is to up the stakes and run a 'Randomly Comptrolled Double Blind Experiment' on the Childs, to benefit Science.

"FUCK YEAH!"

(MEGA Pause)

"WAIT - IT'S NOT RIGHT TO USE THEM AS SUBJECTS"

Why don't you protest about it in front of a shop like I give a shit? 'Nice sign - Microsoft Word LOL'. Anyway I have entered into a JVA (Joint Venture Agreement) with the Haribo Company, dudes that make Sweets. Everyone knows Childs love Sweets. So I am going to lace that shit with some experimental Chemistry, and watch the money / hypotheses pile up!

'Gummi Bears - Flying here and there and everywhere containing Isotopes of Iridium'

I am so going to blow the Ethics Committee's Minds with this fucking Experiment! 'God Damn IOYC, will you ever stop Surprising us?' --> Back-slapping etc. I have fortified the Windmill b/c of the inevitable backlash from the Religious Right, those clowns will be stepping on Landmines like chumps if they come anywhere near here ~~WILL THE LORD GUIDE THEIR STEPS~~.

A SHORT DIATRIBE (NB: DOUBLE MEANING)

2005-10-03T10:36:00.000-07:00

Fo real. Y'know, ~~EVERY SINGLE MINUTE~~ sometimes I'm like, 'this modern lifestyle is so stupid, oh no my iPod Nano has a Defect, holy shit TiVo on my Palm Pilot let's have a dinner party and discuss Office Politics' etc and then immediately my Mind explodes into --> Let's Escape to an Island and have a Tribe.

'We'll need a shitload of Merchandise - Please'

I think having a Tribe would be pretty ill, especially if you were Chieftan or just plain Subsidiary. Even a fully paid up member
of the 'upper middle class?' (of the Tribe). Imagine making War on other Tribes, pretty fucked but too bad --> Human Nature. Thanks Charles Darwin (OR IS IT INTELLIGENT DESIGN; FFS will the LORD ever get off this Web Page).

"MY MIND MIGHT JUST BURST FROM ALL THAT ILL SHIT"

How good are the 'lofty pursuits of Philosophy'. I've conducted what amounts to approx 100,000 hrs (hours) of Anthropological Research on Tribes to sort this shit out. My results pretty much speak for themselves - let's listen to them.

IOYC's Guide to Tribes incl. Pros and Cons

A Modern Island Tribe ('Tribe') is a structured limited liability partnership of dudes and chicks basically just chilling out. It's not like Old School Tribes where you have fancy names and shields, more of a club (do you have Clubs? LOL Classic).

IMPORTANT: The Tribe is governed by strict Rules and Regulations - deviations are punishable by Tribal Elders.
Often the Tribe will worship stuff, deities, other Tribes, remnant of IOYC crash landed on Island etc.

PROS:
1. Everyone knows each other - no strangers in a Tribe (cf mysterious strangers in Film, Life etc)
2. So much chilling out but also vicious 'internecine fighting'.

"HOLY FUCK"

3. Dope Codes of Morals, primitive religious beliefs, potential worship of IOYC.
4. Maybe dudes can have like, 6 Wifes.

CONS:
1. Quickly run out of shit to do / say, vicious internecine fighting (SO GOOD THEY NAMED IT TWICE).
2. Troubling scenarios --> 'Sucks to your ass-marr etc'
3. Impossible to develop lifestlye of a genteel landowner or any kind of class structure.
4. Adverse tax consequences if Tribe gets cashed up.

On balance, Tribes can't win. But they can surely give it a shot and that's all that counts.

'We Tribed our Best'

WHEN I SPIT A ROUGH PARA(BLE)

2005-10-02T16:34:00.000-07:00

Get this - I'm about to adopt the totally chilled out style of none other than Our Lord Jesus Christ.

"GREAT, A BLASPHEMY ON MY COMPUTER"

Price Check on 'Get a fucking Grip'. BTW Hello, Lord / Angelic Host etc if you are reading ~~IS GOD IN SITE METER~~.

Holla at the following Parable:

The Parable of the Donkey and Jeddah

This ole Donkey was resting on the road to Jeddah (?), just chilling and thinking about The Holy Bible, 'Man, do I ever love God's Word'. The Donkey was pretty pissed off with life, b/c being a Donkey basically sucked ass in Biblical times (whereas nowadays --> fucking ill / Animal Rights etc).

'WTF??'

After about an hour of fuck all this Samaritan rolled up, Happy as Larry. Now this was no ordinary Samaritan --> the dude was like the Samaritan Mastermind, has there ever been one iller. His name = 'Captain Friendly'.

Captain Friendly: Ayo, Donkey, can you fucking take me to Jeddah (?) straight as an arrow, I need to see some Pharisees about the Lord's Word, so controversial.
Donkey: Shalom Captain Friendly, I seriously can't be fucked going to Jeddah right now, let's just chill out and think about Moses. Can you dig Moses.
Captain Friendly: I really NEED JEDDAH RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
Donkey: The Lord is pretty dope, what say you Captain Friendly.
Captain Friendly: I will give you 50 Shekels or how about I just fuck you up, you shit Donkey! Fucking Donkeys!!!
Donkey: Man, being a Donkey is so shit but I need the cash --> LET'S ROLL [To Jeddah (?)]

'Would you like One Room of Jeddah?'

ON THE COUCH

2005-09-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

Check this: you probably think 'Man, that IOYC's Mind is so Fact-laden, how can he take it?' I decided to ask myself the very same question in the form of telling it to a Licenced Hypno Tribal Counsellor. Shit didn't go according to plan, but I like to live 'on the Edge'.

'LOL your Mind has AIDS'

IOYC: So, Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]. How would you compare my Mind to most. Is it in a Problem?
Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]: I tell you what - fuck no. That shit is so dope it hurts my Qualifications.
IOYC: Can you please be fucking serious?
Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]: Let me touch it.
IOYC: Maybe I should Counsel you with this Fist.
Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]: Okay, okay. Let's talk about Mums.
IOYC: Let's talk about me exploding your Childs.
Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]: *cries*
IOYC: LOL you are such a Shit Counsellor.
Counsellor [NAME CENSORED]: I am so rethinking my life choices right now.
IOYC: Dope Transference - I can feel what it is like to suck.

Anyway I totally fucked that shit off and started thinking about other things, like this:

When Shin-ichiro Imai, a postdoc in Guarente's lab, mixed Sir2p, NAD, and part of a histone (a small protein commonly found in association with DNA in chromatin) in a test tube to see if Sir2p added ADP-ribose to the protein tails, he was shaken by the results. The histone molecules did not get heavier, as they would if weighed down by an extra ADP-ribose group. Instead, many of them got lighter by exactly 42 atomic masses. Guarente was reported to shout, "That might be deacetylation!"

I am pretty pumped to try an experiment with Sir2p and NAD right now. Imagine if I had some lying around.

'Is it in a Shark?'

IT'S ORGONE WRONG

2005-09-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

Hold up - Can we just pause for a second to appreciate how fucking ill that Headline is. So Catchy, it's like something that might be dreamed up by the world's dopest Advertising Wizard, just ferreting away at his / her (its?) Laboratory making Products for us to 'Point of Purchase'. Man, is there ever a more Sincere job than that.

'Let's Solve Our Client to WIN in our Hearts!!'

To the point --> did you know that Orgone Energy is all around you? It's in every part your body right now - including the Anus. Straight up - It's what you might call 'The Life Force of the Universe'.

"I CAN KIND OF FEEL IT"

Orgone energy can help with so many things, crafting foods, a Sense of Achievement, exploding with Mirth. The only bad thing about it is that in large doses it's so deadly. Nobody knows what the threshold is, everyone just goes around trying it 'willy-nilly'. Once, 1,000 people died because one Orgone Energy tap was left on for only an hour. There was a big Court Case about it --> Verdict: Guilty of death by Orgone, sentenced to 200 hours of Arrest without a Warrant.

'I am the Law'

You'd probably like to try an Orgone Blanket, one day. Wouldn't you?

Be Warned:
"Most people experience the orgone blanket as very beneficial and creating a sense of well-being, however, people with conditions of high blood pressure, or other heart problems, epileptic attacks, brain tumors, and skin inflammations should not use an orgone blanket. Additionally, orgone blankets should not be used near operating TVs, computers, fluorescent lights, electric blankets, or microwave ovens."

Anyway I've got to go harness some Orgone Energy right now --> 'Actions Speak Louder Than Words'. (That saying is so Racist against Words, hypocritical as it's in Words. Fuck Actions!!)

BEHOLD THE WHITE HORSE, REMORSE NEVER THE CASE*

2005-09-23T06:06:00.000-07:00

*EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD THE BATTLE IS TAKING PLACE

I bet you thought Tennis was all good - "Oh, the US Open went well, might play some Tennis this afternoon etc, Man, is Tennis the 'Fruit of the Gods'". 'Lest we forget' ---> Pete Fucking Sampras

"ROOOOOOOOOOOAAARR"

That dude is still on the loose, to be honest I feel partly responsible b/c I didn't report on him with enough Vigour. Then other days I think 'I did all I could'. Whatever - this isn't about me ~~(OR IS IT?)~~. Good news is, the Tennis World has banded together and unleashed a force so unstoppable with a single-minded mission: Track down Sampras, bring him to Heel, STOP SAMPRAS!!

(Pause)

Holla at me ---> LENDL:

"ROOOOOOOOOOOAAARR"
Photo Courtesy: Tennis

Is LENDL the answer to all of our Prayers. Our Hopes and Dreams, in a package so pure and true. Go LENDL, I believe in you so much, I'm like, fucking Crying!! (with Joy).

This is going to be a showdown so mammoth that I wouldn't be surprised if heaps of Civilians are caught in the crossfire. It's like 'What Is The Matrix' crossed with a War. Too bad Civilians, you slept on Tennis.

THE PRICE OF FREEDOM IS ETERNAL VIGILANCE OF TENNIS

'R.I.P.'

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK

2005-09-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

Hey - hi!

Sorry about rocking up unannounced (to my own Web Page?) - I just had the biggest Attack of Conscience about not covering the main event of all of 2005, the motherfucking HERMANUS WHALE FESTIVAL. Like I had 'The Social Contract' to report about it.

'Album of the Year?'

What actually happened was the Festival organisers called me up and grilled me down the phone like some kind of 'cooking by long-distance' bullshit. So Futuristic, but the pain is all in the present! [Some of it is in the Past]. Here's a hint for free: Don't ever fuck with Festival organisers.

"RIGHT CLICK --> SAVE AS"

So check this:
A Careful Postcard from the coast of BEAUTIFUL HERMANUS. ~~(Disclaimer: I was paid cash to say that shit)~~

"I'M ON THE EDGES OF TWO SEPARATE SEATS"

Good one. Anyway the Festival went off without a hitch, so many Whales just hanging out, 'shooting the shit', brawling, whatever Whales do? ~~Having a Whale of a Time, WTF~~ (Some idiots actually have a PhD in Whales --> Imagine how fucked off their parents are).

The most controversial thing that happened was to do with Nataniel. Remember that dude! Well he didn't disappoint, he rocked up in a Maelstrom of BLAOW, dived right into the festival and proceeded to put on the dopest show of Cabaret Spectacular most people have ever seen. A couple of people in the audience died of Joy, Pensioners were just 'rooted to the spot' with admiration / shit at Moving. They'll be talking about that spine-chilling performance at Hermanus for long after we're all Corpses. 'The Descendants of Nataniel's Audience, '05' etc. 'Check my Digital Photo of Nataniel.jpg'...'Ho-hum'.

What can I say, it was alright but I personally was a little disappointed in Nataniel. Let's be honest - 'seen it all before'. Maybe my musical Vision is unsuited to cabaret --> more suited to Limp Bizkit?

'Album of the Year?'

The Prince and Princess of Whales competition was pretty fierce. If the Childs in it are any indication of our future, the World is going to be so fucking ill soon!! (in about 10 years). I almost can't wait, luckily I bought some books and shit to pass the time. Incl. one book of 1,000 Facts --> that is like one Fact per day for 10 years! Imagine how fucking Smart I am going to be when I have finished.

So, hope things have been well in 'the interim', I have checked a little bit of Journalism but so much work on the New Project. But I also have so many stories waiting to develop - eg Praise the Lord (of Hosts), A 'Little Accident', Fuck Cats, Cellos v Paintings (of Cellos), Stupid Locksmiths, ISO 9001:2000, What is 'Asset Triangle', The Funny Side of Fishing, Fancy Rat Appreciation Society, Ussher (Former Archbishop of Ireland) - Yeah, You Can't Beat an Oneida Community, Logs / Log Rolling (Sport), I Predict a Psychic, A Survey of Readers / Interactive, How To Drive [MAN/CHICKS] Wild, Training your Childs in Morals, Banning of Scepticism, Flight Simulators - Why, A Balancing Act, 'Drugs to Blame in Violent Teenage Sex Party' (Tabloid Journalism), The Untimely Death of Slipknot, Interview of Surgeon (Vet), My Spiritual Journey to an Isthmus, Follow Up of Ghostly Pope, Science of Ruling at Chess.

STAY TUNED if you can be fucked. One thing you can say about Journalists --> So ~~fucking inept~~ Unpredictable!

THERE GOES THE GREATEST JOURNALISM OF RECENTLY

2005-09-02T04:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Readership

I Hereby Announce the Unthinkable --> Closure of IOYC.

'WORLD'S BIGGEST WTFFFFFF!!!'

Word life. (Also, how ill is that Plane!?) It's time for me to Retire from the world of Web Page Journalism in order to make a New Project so secret and fucking intense that it would make most people explode to think about it. Imagine forcing a Child or Animal to think about it - so Sadistic.

I feel pretty guilt-ridden, 1. right before the Whale Festival and 2. how are Scoops going to be uncovered now. But I simply can't do both, I would be making shit Journalism that would be disrespectful to the Truth of Facts. Basically like punching Jesus in the Testicular Sac (on the Cross).

'BUT BUT BUT etc'

Yup. It's probably just going to be a new Dark Ages in which so many fucked things happen. Oh well! I might come back in an Explosive Development if everything turns into a massive piece of shit. I feel that there are so many Stories on here though, enough to just look back --> 'Remember when some shit about Concrete etc'.

I would like to thank all of the Internet and Readership for being interested and pumped to read of a non-stop factual barrage, and in particular a number of Great Journalists, Fine Individuals of Friendship, you know who you are (HOW?? --> PSYCHIC). It's been a rewarding initiative in so many ways! You are all welcome in the Windmill any time, if you bring food and shit.

Don't just fucking turn up empty handed. Look what happened to Slipknot.

'Nuff Respect to the Projects I'm Ghost One Love'

HOLLA

IOYC Till They Bury Me

WHAT A COCK(ATIEL) UP

2005-08-25T04:44:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends! (a little greeting I developed)

Yesterday I was walking around the Windmill, just thinking quietly to myself 'HOLY SHIT it's so quiet and peaceful in this Windmill, aah. Wait a minute it's a Lonesome Misery of Isolation' and so on. It was then I noticed these thoughts in my mind --> WHY NOT GET A PET. So I went to the Pet Shop, picked out this dope ole Cockatiel. All I could imagine was 'This Bird will be Ill as shit, fly around the Windmill for a lark, Deliver messages from Dumbledore etc'. (HARRY POTTER MADNESS?)

"THAT SOUNDS SO FUCKING PERFECT"

Holla! Unfortunately, my Cockatiel turned into probably the worst pet ever.

'Phylum: Chordata Genus: Aves Species: Shit'

It was the biggest anticlimax! Here's a brief list of its bullshit flaws:

1. Poor flight patterns.
2. Pretty boring, only occasionally good.
3. CAN'T DELIVER MESSAGES

I got so stiffed on that purchase. Pet Shop owners, do they give a fuck for Customer Satisfaction or just turning a huge profit for their fat pockets!!

Is it against the RSPCA to just throw that shit in a bin.

SHOOK ONES (PART 2)

2005-08-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

Cop this, I just unearthed a letter from my Dear Old Great-Grandfather (now a Corpse). It's a Historical View! Look at it (below).

"Dear Brigands.

'A Common Scene on the High Street, FOR SHAME'

Don't worry, I'm onto your little lark of 'Hey - hi. Let's make a living through thievery'. OH YES INDEED --> Why I've just had a word to the Lieutenant Governor or some chit, and he is going to be cracking down on Banditry with all his Considerable Might ['Tough on Crime, Tough on the Causes of Crime, I am the very model of a Modern Lieutenant Governor'].

"WHAT A TOSH, GET THEE HENCE"

WTD!? (What The Devil) An intruder of my Mail!? Little rapscallions, I'll clap you in Stocks. Aren't you aware I am 'The Realness'. I hope you are stricken of Dystentry and a Canker Sore on your Anus.

Kindest Regards,
IOY 'Lithograph Machine', Tuppence a Bag, Hey-Nonny-Nonny"

He's ~~obviously fucked in the head~~ GOT A GOOD POINT.

IMPATIENCE IS A VIRTUE

2005-08-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's yet another Article about Movies, can you believe it. I love Movies right now!

"IS THIS NOW SOME BULLSHIT ENTERTAINMENT WEB PAGE"

Deal with it --> I am in Editorial Control. Maybe bring it up at the AGM if you don't like it, 'Price/Earnings Ratio' etc. ~~Fuck Shareholders!!~~

Anyway the story is, I have been so fucking hanging out for the Movie of Harry Potter Goblets of Fire that I just plain couldn't handle it. Waiting is making me so angry it actually hurts (both physical and emotional pain).

'Fuck Waiting!!'

My most pressing Question --> Is it EVER coming into a Cinema!! [ie. What's taking them so long.] So I decided, who better to find out more about this than Author of the Harry Potter Goblets of Fire book, J.K. Rowling.

(Celebrity Gossip: Her publicist actually did an involuntary shit when I called up).

Anyway:

IOYC: Ayo, J.K. Rowling!
J.K.: Holla back.
IOYC: Holla! Hey - did you know they are making a Movie of your book: Harry Potter Goblets of Fire.
J.K.: Yes. It is inevitable that they would do it, considering so many Contracts in place. I hate it but what can you do.
IOYC: Fuck all I guess (fake sympathy! - now TO THE POINT) So, is it ready, when is it ready, that Movie.
J.K.: It is complete.
IOYC: HOLY SHIT.
J.K.: (laughs)
IOYC: Can I see it.
J.K.: (laughs) Oh, I don't think the distributors would appreciate that! Don't worry it comes out on November 19.
IOYC: Do I look like I give a fuck, about what you just said.
J.K.: ...
IOYC: ...
J.K.: Here is the Movie.
IOYC: Thanks, I'll watch it now.
J.K.: Do you want to watch it together?
IOYC: No.

[Interview terminated]

So, I watched the Movie, guess what, it's fucking ill. There's Amazing Magic of Quidditch or some shit, dope Elfs, plus it's a good reminder of High School - 'What would you do, if I sang, out of tune', all the trials and tribulations. SPOILER: There is a pretty heavy scene in it - NOT a good date Movie.

I'd give it a 4 out of 10.

HOLD ON TO YOUR BATS (AND RISK A FINE)

2005-08-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am so angry right now. Get this bullshit - That fucking Government, our 'Elected Leaders', have dared to make a new Bill of: A Licence to Play Table Tennis.

'Harmless Fun? Try telling that to Cops'

Rumours abound on the cost of the Licence - some dudes are saying 'anywhere up to $100'. Small change for most, but just imagine you are a family of poverty - you can never afford to play Table Tennis again. What if you fucking love it? Bad luck, there's no exceptions.

Try breaking this news to a kid with a disease.

All I can think is - Where are you, 'watchdogs of Justice', too busy with the fucking Festivities, now look at the mess we're in. 'Hey let's stage a Protest, I made a sign of NOT IN OUR NAME or some shit'.

Oh wait - it's too late. Goodbye, (unlicenced) Table Tennis. 'Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven'

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY

2005-08-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

Hey, hi - I was just pumping some iron at the gym this morning when I had a show stopping idea: a Movie about Bingo. How I thought of this was through a process of Reasoning on 'Bingo is so unrepresented in Cinema' - a total joke because so many people play it.

'$56.9 = Pure Profits!!. ~~Is Film in China~~'

Oh my days I be running bare tings round these ends blud, trust!

"WHAT"

Cop this:

Synopsis for Bingo Movie
Main Character (played by Actor) strides calmly into a Bingo Establishment and begins playing for all he is worth. He is really concentrating. Wait - there is an evil Bingo Practitioner present! A guy who just doesn't give a shit for the rules. [Tension rises through the roof]. The whole match starts to really fuck up. It all hangs in the balance for ages. Then, towards the end, the Main Character suddenly realises: Holy Shit, I am really good at Bingo ---> I could win this shit!

It's a pretty focussed Movie, but there is plenty of space for Romance and moments of Humour to leaven the unbearable tension.

Character Arc:

Background of Main Character:

1. Just plain old nous, of Bingo.
2. Dead mentor, 'I always wanted to be a World Champion of Bingo, *urrggh*'

Background of evil Bingo Practitioner:

1. Intimidation of opponents: eg, 'Hey buddy, hey there with your Bingo card, how about I burn up your whole family? Would you like that? MENACING STARE
2. Hates Bingo but is drawn to it --> inexorably.

I pretty much just need a title now. I am thinking about -

'BINGO MOVIE: A Film of Total Excellence'

DIAGNOSIS: MURDER (OF MY SYMPTOMS)

2005-08-15T03:55:00.000-07:00

Sup! I've just got back from a little 'heart-to-heart' with my General Practitioner (GP). On this occasion I had a slight case of 'Rectalysis: a Parasitic Disease of the Spine'. At first I thought, 'oh, let it clear up on its own' but it was incredibly painful, just plain wreaking havoc on my Cells and Organs. At one stage I was actually so close to Death, 'the Great Leveller' / 'Move Towards the Light' etc.

"HOLY SHIT! DID YOU VIEW JESUS?!"

No - I wasn't Dead enough I don't think. Imagine the Headline!! - 'AN INTERVIEW OF JESUS' ~~Is it a Blasphemy to Interview Him~~

It's all down to the General Practitioner (GP), that cat was so determined, didn't rest until he had totally Isolated and Studied my Illness, and then OBLITERATED it WITHOUT A TRACE. All he cares about is the Welfare of Patients! In fact he cares about it more than his own Family.

Imagine if I had tried a Homeopath, Physiotherapist or some other bullshit merchant. I would be a meaningless Corpse right now. An example of 'finding out the Hard Way'.

'It is with great Regret that I announce the Death of IOYC, he will be given a full Military Funeral while we bomb the fuck out of some Physiotherapists in retaliation'

I know what you're thinking - 'When will this be made into a Movie'.

THAT OLD CHESTNUT (LET'S STUDY IT)

2005-08-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

If you're a regular reader of this Web Page, Various Magazines, a scrap of paper with some shit scrawled on it etc you'll know that I'm really obsessed with Gerontology. Some days I'll sit back and Talk about it non-stop to Colleagues; are you interested to find out more, if so ---> 'don't just dream it - do it'.

Background on Gerontology

'The Bible of Gerontology'
Not to be confused with - 'The Bible'

To put it bluntly, Gerontology is 'studying oldness'. Most mammals and objects get older as time goes by, occasionally stopping to rest. The visible signs of ageing can be beaten with Clarins or some shit, but the invisible signs are unbeatable by all but the most formidable Gerontologists. This 'hard core' of Science Fanatics have managed to stop ageing in its tracks, with dramatic results.

'Typical Gerontologist with Research Snake'

Gerontologists operate in small groups or Salons, where anyone over the age of 45 can go and get 'Age Reversed' - for a price*.

(* One Thousand Million Dollars)

My only concern is, the Moral and Ethical implications. First 'they' are telling us, NO to Cloning, NO to research of Embryo, NO to Further Space Missions, but when it comes to Gerontology, it's all systems go, yes please where do I sign, fuck the Consequences, book me a session with a Salon, Secretary!!

CAN WE PLEASE PAUSE TO THINK IT THROUGH.

It's all I ask. Such a small ask.

What a tiny ask, in the scheme of things!!

THE MIGHTIEST GRIFFON* OF THEM ALL

2005-08-09T06:15:00.000-07:00

*Alternative Spelling ----> Gryphon

For crying out loud, when will this question be resolved: What is the best Griffon.

It's baffled Philosophers for centuries, and now it's baffling the shit out of me (unsuprising, I'm something of an 'amateur Philosophy' myself, so many strings to my bow!?) I bet it's baffling you now just thinking about it. I'd bet my life on it.

"GREAT, NOW I AM DROWNING IN A SEA OF AMBIGUITY AND SHIT, FUCK THIS"

Don't you worry yourself, because I'm going to solve the 'Griffon Trilemma' right here right now.

The Contenders

Everyone who's anyone agrees, the search for the best Griffon is down to three finalists. So don't come at me with some alternative bullshit, have some respect for the established order of things, bloody hell.

1. Griffon Hovercraft

Griffons are currently in service with navy, army and paramilitary customers worldwide, and their commercial applications include passenger and tourist ferries, hydrographic and seismic surveys, crash rescue and firefighting, mobile clinics, oil rig and civil engineering support.

'Griffon Hovercraft – hovercraft that work'. (Official Slogan)

2. Wire Haired Pointing Griffon (AKA Korthals' Griffon)

Although notations to Griffon history can be found which date back to 1545, development of the current day Wirehaired Pointing Griffon began in earnest in the Netherlands in 1873 by a young Dutch sportsman and avid hunter by the name of Eduard Karel Korthals (1851-1896).

'At first glance I have Three legs'

3. Griffon Corp Clopay Building Products

Griffon’s garage door operation, Clopay Building Products Company, is one of the largest manufacturers and marketers of residential garage doors in the U.S. as well as a major supplier of industrial and commercial doors for the new construction, and repair and remodel markets.

'Majestic Beauty of a Perfectly installed Door/s'

Pretty tough decision, I'll say.

Conclusion / Denouement

I HEREBY SOLEMNLY DECLARE AND AFFIRM that the Griffon garage door is the illest Griffon. Second best is the hovercraft. That stupid fucking dog is a woefully poor LAST. Why don't they put it down.

"MY STRESS RELATED ILLNESSES HAVE ALL CLEARED UP AT ONCE, *JUMPS FOR JOY*"

I am so glad to hear that I might just 'pop a Firecracker' if that shit wasn't justifiably illegal.

A CATALOGUE OF TRAVELOGUES IN THE FORM OF A DUOLOGUE

2005-08-08T10:08:00.001-07:00

IOYC: (Enters the Stage or some shit) Hey, hi! Guess what, I have just returned from a 'far-flung Clime', that Great and Noble Country of Italy, where I had some Ill adventures and Journalism of 'Local Interest Stories'.

'Great, now there are Kids in Italy, Spoiling it'

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (WITH ENERGY) Holy fucking shit! I am blown away by that. Can I see some photos.

IOYC: Hell 'nay', because my camera fucked up and erased them all. First my Computer then my Camera, is there no end to my bullshit Woes of Technology.

Playwright's note / 'Serving Suggestion' - At this point some Chorus Members pass out in Symbolic Gesture of the Woes of Technology??

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (WITH ENERGY) Tell me about it then -

(Pause)

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (WITH ENERGY) - in Words.

Playwright's note - I cannot emphasize enough how fucking energetic that Rapt Audience Member (on Stage) is. You are a shit Director if the audience doesn't get it by this point - the dude is SO ENERGETIC!!

IOYC: Yae Verily I visited a Villa and a Market, and some other shit. The Villa was super Rustic, which 'clicked nicely' into my Lifetime Achivement on Rustic Houses - an example of Hidden Synergies. The Market was so fucking corrupted by the Mafia, those dudes were everywhere at that Market, others didn't see them but I saw them [DID THEY SEE ME ---> 'A PRICE ON MY HEAD'].

(MEGA Pause)

IOYC: Also there was an incident with 'the collected Works of Norwegian Folk Author Peter Christen Asbjornsen' which hasn't been resolved, Loss of Friendships etc.

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (WITH ENERGY) That sounds pretty fucked up.

IOYC: Why don't you keep going on about it, and see what happens.

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (WITH ENERGY) Oh Shit.

Playwright's note - The Rapt Audience Member can look approx 15% less rapt for this Line of Dialogue. Emphasis on Contrast!!

IOYC: (Exeunt)

(Another MEGA Pause)

RAPT AUDIENCE MEMBER (ON STAGE): (Exeunt)

NOT THIS AGAIN

2005-07-31T05:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Readerships

In one hour I'm actually going on ANOTHER FUCKING HIATUS! But this is also doubling as a legitimate Journalistic Investigation Holiday of Discovering Facts to Report in Italy, Little Known Country.

Its duration will be 1 x Week. When I explode back on the scene it will be with a New Computer (!!) and so many fucking scoops / Cafe. Please don't kill everyone in a frenzy during this 'Week of Shitness', there's no Internet in Jail (YET).

Kind Regards,
IOYC Announces Record Profits for Third Consecutive Quarter

A BLAST FROM THE PAST

2005-07-31T04:26:00.000-07:00

Over the last few days I've suddenly become probably the World's Foremost Expert on The Archaeology of History. History is such a growing field, there is so much new History being discovered every single day (b/c even more Past, etc). For example, did you know there is now a 1) History of the Pacific Ocean, 2) History of the Atlantic Ocean, 3) History of Great Tanks of 'WW2'??

"I'M IN A DAZE OF WONDERMENT"

F'real. What's left on my 'To Do List' is decide which area of History to specialise in to corner the Market and 'Make Out Like Bandits'. What I am thinking of right now is The History of Rustic Houses. Sounds fucked at first but cop this lesson plan:

Lesson One on The History of Rustic Houses
By IOYC, Massive Historian

'So Rustic'

1. Look at this dope Rustic House. Can you feel its History (in your Heart of Hearts)??

2. [IF YES]----------> Good! Next week: another Rustic House.

3. [IF NO]----------> Perhaps you should learn more about History and even read the fucking Reading Materials before coming here and wasting my oh so precious time you sycophant, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!

Now, please don't be 'yelling this from the rooftops' because the last thing I want is a proliferation of cheap imitators jumping on the Rustic House Bandwagon, ruining my livelihood and sending me to a fucked up Life of Poverty. Won't somebody please think of the Children!! (That I might have one day)

SWEDEN HEATS UP (BY MEANS OF A DEVICE)

2005-07-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

Ayo, this is true: Most of the time you just think of something as permanently 'hot' or 'cold'. There's simply no 'in-between' (~~Um, WARM~~).

"SHIT YEAH, THAT CONCEPT REALLY SITS WELL WITH ME"

Facts of life dude! This is especially a problem for countries that are really Cold, like Sweden. It's fucking hard for the Government to keep people living there, 'Let's move to Laos, etc, fuck this cold Country, we'll fit right in at Laos, I LOVE LAOS MORE THAN SWEDEN, SO MUCH MORE!! [!!]'

'I Dream Of Laos / Sweden's Hope of the Future (until now)'

Luckily and just in the nick of time, some dudes in Sweden came up with the idea of the Patented Heat Pump. What this shit does is literally pump 'hotness' from one place to another, through motherfucking Pipes and shit.

'It took all of us and this baby to invent a Heat Pump'

Since Sweden has been pumping Hotness into itself, the average happiness of its Residents has risen by 400% Only 165 Swedes have moved to Laos, and many of them for totally unrelated reasons, like 'lifestyle of Laos'.

I suppose you want to know 'how it works'. Pretty simple:

'Actual Product may Vary from etc etc'

The only problem is I'm pretty sure Patents are 'an intolerable form of outmoded monopoly rights with heinous consequences for the lives of the Developing World at the hands of Big Pharma shareholders'. So in closing, Fuck Patents!!

Caveat: Except the Heat Pump

A LITTLE BREAK OF POETRY

2005-07-25T13:16:00.000-07:00

Check out this for something else, I made a poem ---> it's about Moths.

Moths
Subtitled: A Poem

Imagine a little old Moth
That is Furry and has Wings
Fluttering and shit
Pretty stupid
Fucking Moth: Let's Kill it!!

Do you think this is a good Change of Scene. I reckon it's fucking Ace!!

"KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK"

Thanks, but I doubt I'll do another one.

THE POT(TER) CALLING THE KETTLE OR SOME SHIT

2005-07-23T05:05:00.000-07:00

If we could just pause for one second from our 'daily toil' to think and say STOP THE MADNESS about Beatrix Potter.

Beatrix Potter mania is everywhere these days, in books and film and all through Politics. 'My Fellow Politicians, [SOME BULLSHIT ABOUT BEATRIX POTTER!!]', who hasn't heard it. (Have I heard anything else lately, doesn't seem like it!)

Set in and around Dunkeld, Birnam and Inver, this is a story of the acquaintance of Beatrix Potter and a rural postman named Charles McIntosh, who were brought together by a common interest in fungi.

"I'VE GOT A COMMON INTEREST IN FUNGI"

'Well done'.

Now I'm all for Venerating Figures from History, but this has gone too far. The other day someone stopped me in the street and tried to sell me Beatrix Potter for One Hundred Thousand American Dollars. What do I want with that, storage space will be a problem for one, plus Morality of buying Beatrix Potter (Is it a Slave?).

I think we should all be focussing on more important things like:

1. International Treaties (eg Antarctica)
2. Famous People
3. Company Seals vs Actual Seals

Now, let's (please) have no more talk of Beatrix Potter for a while. It's nothing personal ~~FUCK PETER RABBIT!!~~ but think about how good it will be.

A SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT

2005-07-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

Alright, it seems like I can't take a fucking step without being Detonated or some shit. With that in mind I've decided to become a One Man Vigilante Squadron to simply fuck up any Detonators before they can explode some Terrifying shit on themselves / others.

I'm not suggesting that I will be AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF HASTILY DISPENSED FRONTIER STYLE JUSTICE IN TOTAL DISREGARD FOR THE RULE OF LAW but it will probably be a bit like that, at least until I work out the best way to become 'Judge, Jury and Executive'.

'Holy Shit he's serious'